Jokes???

[tommer9]

Haha good one mate. Just noticed your signature have you seen fear and loathing in last Vegas?

 

LOL...read it that many times i almost know every word!! Seen it a few too.

 

You read any other of his stuff?

[Tommy_B]

LOL...read it that many times i almost know every word!! Seen it a few too.

 

You read any other of his stuff?

 

Have you read the Rum Diaries Tom? Great book. I hear they are making it into a film with Mr Depp.

[tommer9]

CAnt wait for that one. I read that ages ago, its a little hazy now...

Fear and loathing in Las Vegas was the most amusing I reckon...I finally got round to reading Motorcycle Gangs last year. An interesting read, but just that- like most of his journalistic books (on the campaign trail etc etc)- interesting. The drug fuelled madness of Fear and Loathing in las Vegas made it stand out somewhat.

[RobRainford]

I played Dodgeball last night.

 

I had a "69" with what I initially thought was a sexy Thai lady.

[Dave Martin]

The Haircut

 

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked

about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm

doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the

shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a

'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

 

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill,

the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing

community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next

morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a

dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

 

Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay

his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm

doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament was very happy

and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there

were a dozen other Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free

haircut.

 

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the

citizens of our country, and the politicians who run it!

 

 

BOTH POLITICIANS AND NAPPIES

 

NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN

 

AND FOR THE SAME REASON!

[Mark J]

LOL...read it that many times i almost know every word!! Seen it a few too.

 

You read any other of his stuff?

 

Kingdom Of Fear's worth a read.

[Chris Gagen]

A Kiwi man in New Zealand buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.

 

After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help.

 

The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

 

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant..

 

The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.

 

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.

 

So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.

 

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again.

 

He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure,

Brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.

 

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round.

 

Try again, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods.

He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

 

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window.

 

He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.

 

 

No, she says, they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn.

[RobRainford]

1. Teaching Maths In 1970

 

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.

 

His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.What is his profit?

 

 

2. Teaching Maths In 1980

 

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.

 

His cost of production is 80% of the price.

 

What is his profit?

 

 

3. Teaching Maths In 1990

 

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.

 

His cost of production is £80.

 

How much was his profit?

 

4. Teaching Maths In 2000

 

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20.

 

Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

 

5. Teaching Maths In 2005

 

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.

 

Your assignment: Discuss how the birds and squirrels might feel as the logger cut down their homes just for a measly profit of £20.

 

 

6. Teaching Maths In 2009

 

A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be offensive to Muslims or other religious groups not consulted in the application for the felling license. He is also fined £100 as his chainsaw is in breach of Health and Safety legislation as it is deemed too dangerous and could cut something. He has used the chainsaw for over 20 years without incident however he does not have the correct certificate of competence and is therefore considered to be a recidivist and habitual criminal. His DNA is sampled and his details circulated throughout all government agencies. He protests and is taken to court and fined another £100 because he is such an easy target.When he is released he returns to find Gypsies have cut down half his wood to build a camp on his land. He tries to throw them off but is arrested, prosecuted for harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned and fined a further £100.

 

While he is in jail again the Gypsies cut down the rest of his wood and sell it on the black market for £100 cash. They also have a departure BBQ of squirrel and pheasant and leave behind several tonnes of rubbish and asbestos sheeting.The forester on release is warned that failure to clear the fly tipped rubbish immediately at his own cost is an offence. He complains and is arrested for environmental pollution, breach of the peace and invoiced £12,000 plus VAT for safe disposal costs by a regulated government contractor.

 

Your assignment: How many times is the logger going to have to be arrested and fined before he realizes that he is never going to make £20 profit by hard work, give up, sign onto the dole and live off the state for the rest of his life?

 

 

7. Teaching Maths In 2010

 

A logger doesn't sell a lorry load of timber because he can't get a loan to buy a new lorry because his bank has spent all his and their money on a derivative of securitised debt related to sub-prime mortgages in Surrey and lost the lot, with only some government money left to pay a few million-pound bonuses to their senior directors and the traders who made the biggest losses.The logger struggles to pay the £1,200 road tax on his old lorry. However, as it was built in the 1970s it no longer meets the emissions regulations and he is forced to scrap it.

 

Some Bulgarian loggers buy the lorry from the scrap merchant and put it back on the road. They undercut everyone on price for haulage and send their cash back home, while claiming unemployment for themselves and their relatives. If questioned they speak no English and it is easier to deport them at the governments expense. Following their holiday back home they return to the UK with different names and fresh girls and start again. The logger protests, is accused of being a bigoted racist and as his name is on the side of his old lorry he is forced to pay £1,500 registration fees as a gang master.The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers as bonuses are not cheap. The parliamentarians feel they are missing out and claim the difference on expenses and allowances.You do the maths.

 

8. Teaching Maths In 2017.

 

What language will you need the question in?

[The tree monkey]

An elderly irish teacher is taking a maths class one day. Patrick, if you have 2 hens and i give you 2 more hens and another 2 hens, how many hens do you have? 7 sor! replies young patrick. puzzled by this answer the teacher says " lets try this another way, if you have 2 ducks and i give you 2 more ducks and another 2 ducks, how many ducks do you have? 6 sor! replies patrick. Now we're getting somewhere says the teacher. " right, if you have 2 hens and i give you 2 more hens and another 2 hens how many hens do you have? 7 sor! replies patrick. " how the feck do you get 7!" replies the teacher. " i already have one at home sor! replies patrick.

[scottythepinetree]

Less of the Oirish slagging Gus. Got one in the family soon enough!!