Jokes???

[Mark J]

1 hour ago, Whoppa Choppa said:

 

 

 

4 in a row, none remotely funny.

Okay Captain Hilarious, tell us a joke...

[Bolt]

PESSIMIST sees a dark tunnel

An OPTIMIST sees light at the end of the tunnel

A REALIST sees a freight train 

 

The TRAIN driver sees 3 idiots standing on the tracks

[Bolt]

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and an old lady are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The old lady thinks, "I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert."

The blonde thinks, "I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the old lady for me and she slapped him."

The Frenchman thinks, "I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake."

The Englishman thinks, "I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap ol’ foggy again.

[Bolt]

I have a Polish friend who is a sound technician.

And a Czech one too,  Czech one too

[Bolt]

My girlfriend was telling me about an innuendo contest.

 

So I entered her.

[Bolt]

A couple was celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary when the wife claimed that her and her husband hadn’t argued since their wedding night.

 

After being asked about how they did it, the wife explains that after their wedding ceremony, they set off for the honeymoon in a horse and trap. The horse walked ten miles and stopped, refusing to go further.

“That’s one.” Said the wife. The horse looked back, walked another five miles, and stopped, refusing to go further.

“That’s two.” Said the wife. The horse looked back, walked another five miles, and stopped, refusing to go further.

“Alright - that’s three!” Said the wife angrily. She stepped out of their trop, grabbed a shotgun and shot the horse dead

“Hold on!” The husband said. “What the hell do you think you are doing woman? We are twenty miles from home with no way back, and that was an heartless act of sheer cruelty!”

The wife looked at her new husband and said: “That’s one.”

[Bolt]

A guy driving a Kia pulls up at the traffic lights next to a Rolls-Royce...

The driver of the Kia rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that’s a nice car. You got Wi-Fi in your Rolls? I’ve got Wi-Fi in my Kia!"

The driver of the Rolls looks over and says simply, "Yes I have Wi-Fi."

The driver of the Kia says, "Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there too? I’ve got a fridge in the back seat of my Kia!"

The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, "Yes, I have a refrigerator."

The driver of the Kia says, "That’s great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Kia!"

The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, says, "Yes, I have a television, a Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!"

The driver of the Kia says, "That's a very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Kia!"

Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls-Royce sped away. He went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that a bed be installed in the back of the Rolls. The next morning, the driver of the Rolls picked up his car. The bed looked superb, complete with silk sheets and brass trim. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce.

So, the driver of the Rolls drove around all day looking for the Kia...

Finally, late that night, he finds the Kia parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. The driver of the Rolls gets out of his car and knocks on the Kia’s window. At first there is no answer, then the owner sticks his head out, soaking wet.

"I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the driver of the Rolls said arrogantly.

The driver of the Kia says... "You got me out of the shower to tell me that?!"

[Bolt]

I stupidly used to think trips to the chiropractor were unnecessarily expensive and just didn't work, however, now I stand corrected.

[Doug Tait]

Don't know who put a.pound in Bolt, but well done!

[Bolt]

A plane crashes on a desert island and the only two survivors are some bloke called Dave and Scarlett Johansson.

 

After many long lonely nights together on the island they fall deeply in love and start having the best time together but Scarlett notices a deep sadness in Dave's eyes.

She tries talking to him about it but he cannot bring himself to talk about it.

Months go by and Scarlett sits down at the fire and explains to Dave that she has never loved anyone more than him and is desperate to make him happy.

With some trepidation Dave asks Scarlett if she can wear an old shirt and shorts that he's found and draw on a moustache with charcoal from the fire.

 

Scarlet leaves camp one night, gets dressed in the ragged salt stained clothes and draws on the fake facial hair and then walks back towards the camp fire.

Daves's face instantly lights up as she enters the clearing, he jumps up from his seat and runs over to her "Dude! You'll never guess who I've been having sex with!!!"