For me it started in June this year, at the time I was in the police enjoying my career, but then my parents went through a rough stage and were about to file a divorce, the thought of losing the house, family breaking apart, it was tough on me being the youngest and most connected as I was still living at home.
Me, my brother an his friend took a trip to wales to go on a walk and try to clear our minds, have a day away from it all, but things didnt go to plan we ended up walking to a quarry, my brothers friend was renown for always getting into trouble, he ended up playing with a excavator we saw, I should have been the better person to tell him not to but my mind just wasnt switched on, he lost control of the excavator and it went down a cliff, when we got home we were eventually arrested, I chose to take the blame for it all, knowing that he had 2 children he had just been given custody of. 63K worth of damage was caused and now I'm being charged with it and waiting to receive my sentence.
It has been hard on me, losing a career, the sleepless nights, eating apatite has gone, most days I cant go without crying when I get in from work, I sit staring at my police graduation certificate knowing what I have lost, thoughts of ending it, I find that I must keep myself busy to stop depression kicking in, but sometimes doing things brings it on more, Its hard knowing that now after making the effort to get a new job, getting my licences, all the equipment and trying to start fresh into a job that is more getting paid to do my favourite hobby, could soon all be lost, thats when it hits me worse, thats when the bad thoughts kick in.
- Jay