Mycoman

Hibernian FC.

Mate of mine fell into a sofa making Machine.... He is now fully recovered!!

Got in from work last night, flipping' starving. Asked the wife to make me three burgers but all I got was nag, nag, nag....

I have just been to my fridge to check those burgers i got from tesco yesterday. And they're off!

Me: "Two tickets please." Cashier: "for the hobbit?" Me: "no, she's actually my girlfriend"

My missus bought a Christmas tree the other day. The assistant asked "will you be putting it up yourself?". She replied: "Don't be DISGUSTING! It's going in the lounge"

As for paper, card, etc, additives like china clay can mean more ash, pound for pound, than logs but other than that no problem. As for banana peel, apple cores, etc, if you compost (and everyone should) they should go there: moisture content is too high to burn efficiently.

Orange peel dried on/next to the stove scents the room nicely and the totally dry end product makes good firelighters!

My next door neighbour just confronted me about items missing from her washing line. I nearly crapped her pants!

Paddy takes his goldfish to the vet and says its got epilepsy. The vet says "It looks calm enough to me" Paddy says "I haven't taken it out the bowl yet!" Looks like Stuart Hall is looking at five years. Could be ten if the police play their joker.

That's brilliant! Though when I first saw the balloon I thought it must have been an April Fool, like that classic one of the spaghetti orchard: [ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=27ugSKW4-QQ&feature=youtube_gdata_player]Panorama - April Fool's Day Hoax - Spaghetti Harvest - 1st April 1957 - YouTube[/ame]

It only really struck me recently how many elms are about, but now they grow more as hedges. They're great for logs - don't need to split them - and my pigs will eat elm leaves in preference to almost anything else. I presume it's possible to dig up suckers to transplant?

A couple was Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve and the whole place was heaving, packed with other last minute shoppers. Walking through the shopping centre the surprised wife looked up from a window display and noticed her husband was nowhere to be seen. She knew they had lots still to do and she became very upset. She rummaged in her handbag and found her mobile phone then used it to call her husband to ask him where he was. The husband in a calm voice replied: "Darling, you remember the jewellery shop we went into five years ago, where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that one day I would get it for you...?" His wife's eyes filled with tears of emotion, she began to cry softly and stifling a sob she whispered:"Yes, I remember that jewellery shop..." . . "Well," he said, "I'm in the pub next to it!"

In my old house my neighbour had an in her kitchen against the gable end of her house: cars parked next to it would be frost-free on winter mornings!

Could pheasants carry acorns any distance?

That's how I'd like to be disposed of too - probably goes for quite a few of the guys on here?

Light breeze? If either of those pigs leans on it it's curtains....

Aren't we generally healthier, better fed, etc than the European population in 1918/19? So less susceptible to epidemics. And my jag was an innoculation, exposing my immune system to enough of the pathogens to give it a 'memory' of how to fight next time. It's just a leap of faith (£8 spunked up the wall?) for me: I might not come across one of these viruses again; I might, and successfully combat it; or I might meet a different or new virus and get laid low all the same. I can't know but for eight quid I'll take my chances. But I don't like doing antibiotics willy nilly because I'm pretty keen on my intestinal microbiota.

Gobby slappers will always make good television; there might be loads more introspective, unsure-how-to-help-themselves honest folk's opinions littering the cutting room floor.

You got help from the those more fortunate in the economy when you needed it and now you're giving back, and then some I'm sure.

Yes, and I salute you, but you didn't choose to live on benefits. You had the luck, the skills set, the mental fortitude and the foresight to get out when you could, which isn't the case for everybody in that situation.

I got a flu jag in Sainsbury's for only £8: value-for-money peace-of-mind or the parting of a fool from his money?

I don't know, and I don't know if the stats even exist to prove this, but I reckon that for every 25-year-old-mum-of-7-by-7-different-dads there will be a kid from a high-rise estate who's managed to become a regimental sergeant-major, say, or got to uni to read medicine, or owns a string of car dealerships, or is Mo Farah (Somali immigrant). The net economic effect will at worst be neutral because we did not leave them to rot. It can't be easy or nice trying to live on benefits. Your enormous telly and games consoles give you a) a bit of escapism (but with constant reminders of stuff you can't afford and places you'll never see) and b) a chance to know the kids are in and safe, instead of letting them take their chances on the street corner or in the stairwell. It must be horrible getting to the checkout in Lidl and having to put back 'non-essentials', like jam or squash. If it seems that there's an attitude problem among the non-working class, it could be that this bravado is a Rizla-thin veneer that keeps them from breakdown. In short, I don't believe it's anybody's real, look-themselves-in-the-mirror choice to live on benefits. I'm not a pinko Trot: I strongly believe that work ethic, shrewd financial sense and the profit motive are the bedrock of the economy and that most people on here are truly blessed to have these attributes - the choices that gives us and our children make us society's winners. I also strongly believe that the economy isn't a zero-sum game: to have winners, there don't have to be losers (see, this is where Marx was wrong), in fact, everyone wins. One manifestation of this is that we all get more, better stuff, cheaper - warm homes, mobile phones, huge tellies, kidney dialysis machines - thanks to all the people, from whatever background, who make the economy work in its mysterious way through their supplies and demands. So it's not just civilised, it's probably pretty sound sense, not to cut adrift people who can't, at this time, manage for themselves. Neanderthal remains have shown that even those proto-human societies looked after their disabled fellows and while I realise that hanging my argument on the peg of the actions of a species we drove to extinction is a little shoogly, I think the Welfare State is up there with the Falklands War and Bitter as things Britain got right.

And that's bad? I thought we wanted to reduce the teen pregnancy rate?

Sorry, but it just ain't true: BBC News - Teen pregnancy rate lowest since 1969 I'm not doubting your mother-in-law and we all know of feckless wee Flossies but the stats show that it's the older (wiser?) demographic doing the breeding. Oh, is that the missus calling me upstairs...? (EDIT: No, it was two cats fighting on the garage roof)