Mycoman

I posted this in a similar thread last year: Traditionally, LR's biggest customer must have been the military (hence the name Defender). Demand has dropped because the armed forces are waaaay smaller than they were and in the type of war/counter insurgency nowadays LRs just don't cut it. So for Land Rover, to put it bluntly, there's too much peace and too much war. Ironic, no?

I do, and cookers make great cider too. Pick them from the ground, rather than the tree, for max sugar content.

First Thatcher dies, then Ferguson retires. Somewhere there is a Scouser with a lamp and one wish left.

Bill Roach, Jim Davidson, Rolf Harris, Freddie Starr and Stuart Hall.. You gotta admit the prison panto is looking good this year....

Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them, they said it would be just like winning the lottery! I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off and to my horror, we had six matching balls!

Anybody want my collection of 'Chiropracter Monthly'? I've got a load of back issues. I've just been accused of being a plagiarist... ...their words, not mine.

Sad news from the Nestle factory today as a man was crushed to death by hundreds of boxes of chocolate. He tried in vain to attract attention, but every time he yelled 'The Milky Bars are on me!' people just cheered.

"Have you ever seen £20 all crumpled up?". Asked the wife, enigmatically. "No" I said. She gave a sexy smile, reached into her cleavage and pulled out a £20 note. "Have you ever seen £50 all crumpled up?" she asked next. "No" I said. Again, a sexy smile, and she pulled a fifty from her knickers. "Have you ever seen £30,000 all crumpled up?" was the next question. "No" I said, by this time very intrigued. "Well go and look in the garage."

My 3 year old son was watching my wife get changed and asking loads of questions about boobies, what they're for, why women have them, not men, etc - all of which she was happy to respond to, matter of factly. But just in case he went and discussed her breasts at nursery or wherever, she said "but darling, you musn't talk about ladies' bodies with other people, except if you're a doctor or, maybe, a scientist." Long pause, then "Mummy, when I grow up, I want to be a doctor or a scientist." That's ma boy!

Rick Astley asked me if he could borrow my collection of Pixar films. "Okay," I said. "You can have Toy Story, Cars and Finding Nemo but I'm never gonna give you Up."

"If you'd had a tin of shoe polish, you could have blackened her up and got away with it," I said to Oscar Pistorius, laughing. Then I realised that was in bad taste. I mean, why would he have a tin of shoe polish?

Never watch a film without catching Kermode's opinion first.

Marriage is like a deck of cards: to begin with all you need is two hearts and a diamond, you end up looking for a club and a spade....

We've got 4 Glos Old Spot/Saddleback cross, brought them on from weaners. Share them with another family, thus splitting costs and chores. They are such a joy and so easy to keep but their days are numbered - I know I'll cry like a baby when they go but they will taste delicious and they have had a life most farm animals can only dream of.

I admit, all those scrums are fascinating but pretty special interest - most people prefer incisive back play and a feast of tries, no?