Story at bedtime

[geoff]

Brilliant imagination!

[the village idiot]

Chapter 4: Captain Spratt.

 

 

The road to Dragnet Inn was tough,

And by day three they'd had enough.

"I know, let's play the game 'I Spy'

It will really help the time fly by!"

 

"I Spy with my little eye

Something starting with a Y"

Dog Food said impatiently,

"I'm blind you twonk, this ain't for me."

 

Five days and nights had passed in all

Before they reached the City wall.

A fishing port it once had been,

Before they'd trawled the ocean clean.

 

The City having lost it's trade,

A heavy price it now had paid.

The once proud port of Roll-yer'mops

Was now all Greggs and betting shops!

 

The Dragnet Inn stood by the dock,

And on it's door they both did knock.

It opened with a mighty creak,

Into a scene intensely bleak.

 

The Inn was serving just one drinker,

And this poor chap was quite a stinker!

Captain Spratt was old and grey,

A herring on his shoulder lay.

 

His eyes pointed in two directions,

Detering all the girls' affections.

Thick mucus dribbled from his ear,

Topping up his pint of beer!

 

The idiot sat down by his side,

And told of his great quest with pride.

The idiot's tale old Spratt did channel,

Before getting up to wring his flannel.

 

A minute later he re-appeared,

Grinning relief beneath his beard.

"I can help you find the Witch.

But mark my words, she's quite a bitch!"

 

"Meet me at the quay tonight.

Find the ship that bears no light.

I'll ferry you to the Isle of Doom

To meet the Lady of the broom!"

 

 

To be continued...

[the village idiot]

Chapter 5: Like a stone.

 

 

Our hero's had some time to kill,

So approached the man behind the till.

"Two mugs please of your finest ale,

To quench our thirst before we sail."

 

The landlord chose a keg of Oak,

Out of which a tube did poke.

The idiot felt a chill most spinal,

The pipe led to the men's urinal!

 

They both were parched, and money's spent,

So down the gullet said drinks went.

The beer was strong and brightly yellow,

But after three the taste did mellow!

 

Once the entire keg was sunk,

Dog Food the horse was blindly drunk.

The idiot himself was far from stable,

And fell asleep beneath the table.

 

Outside had turned from light to dark.

"My drunken friend, we must embark.

Captain Spratt will be delayed"

So forthwith to the dock they swayed.

 

Amongst the boats at rest that night,

They found a craft bereft of light.

Said Idiot "God only knows-

I've seen more sturdy pedalo's!"

 

The 'Like a Stone' was in poor repair,

Across her sail an ugly tear.

The hull was rotten, with holes agape,

Hastily patched with Gaffa Tape!

 

At the wheel stood Captain Spratt,

A halibut beneath his hat!

"Welcome aboard my humble boat,

I'm fairly sure she's going to float!"

 

Captain Spratt seemed in a daze,

His wayward eyes did hold a glaze.

Between his teeth all brown and rotten,

Hung a spliff of pure Moroccan!

 

The jolly sailor took a toke,

And blew an anchor with the smoke.

He span the wheel and checked the tide,

"Sit back my friends and enjoy the ride!"

 

 

To be continued...

[sloth]

So, when are you going to write a book?

[the village idiot]

So, when are you going to write a book?

 

The way this thing's going I think I may have already started!

[brisbane trees]

So, the best story I've heard in the tree business was when I was fairly new to the tree industry about ten years ago. I was at my local chainsaw shop when the old bloke there told me about a job he'd done as a young bloke.

 

Years before, he been contracted to remove a large Eucalyptus from a vacant block of land overlooking the Brisbane River. After walking around it a few times they decided they could safely fell it.

 

A bit more discussion and he scarfed it and did the backcut just right. Unfortunately, they weren't using ropes and a big gust of wind came along and sat it back on the cut behind. It fell the wrong way, so they thought.

 

It landed on the edge of the cliff and, after teetering for a full minute, the weight of the foliage overbalanced it and it slid into the river. They watched as the current took it into the middle of the water and it sank, never to be seen again.

 

He reckons they blew the tree's leaves into the river after it and were down the pub ten minutes later. It was their best earn of the week, all done by eight o'clock. True story, so he says....

[the village idiot]

So, the best story I've heard in the tree business was when I was fairly new to the tree industry about ten years ago. I was at my local chainsaw shop when the old bloke there told me about a job he'd done as a young bloke.

 

Years before, he been contracted to remove a large Eucalyptus from a vacant block of land overlooking the Brisbane River. After walking around it a few times they decided they could safely fell it.

 

A bit more discussion and he scarfed it and did the backcut just right. Unfortunately, they weren't using ropes and a big gust of wind came along and sat it back on the cut behind. It fell the wrong way, so they thought.

 

It landed on the edge of the cliff and, after teetering for a full minute, the weight of the foliage overbalanced it and it slid into the river. They watched as the current took it into the middle of the water and it sank, never to be seen again.

 

He reckons they blew the tree's leaves into the river after it and were down the pub ten minutes later. It was their best earn of the week, all done by eight o'clock. True story, so he says....

 

Great story, nice one:thumbup:

I bet they knew exactly what they were doing though!

[the village idiot]

Chapter 6: Bad Trip!

 

PARENTAL ADVISORY: Chapter 6 of 'An Idiot Abroad' contains instances of excessive drug use and scenes of a 60's nature. Certificate 5.

 

 

The voyage started happily,

Strong of wind and calm of sea.

The only thing to cause them fear?

The strength of Spratt's Moroccan Gear!

 

The Captain chuffed the whole day long,

Upon a most impressive bong.

At night he switched to 'herbal' tea,

And dropping tabs of LSD!

 

His behaviour soon became absurd,

The idiot thought-best have a word!

Spratt looked hurt, "I have no habit,

And why have you become a Rabbit?"

 

Captain Spratt was in the grip

Of one almighty nightmare trip!

With dope more strong than expectations,

He was having hallucinations!

 

Said Captain Spratt, all wide of eye,

"You're now Steak and Kidney Pie!

That's my favourite dish of course,

Just wait there I'll fetch the sauce!

 

"My boat it seems is made of cheese,

Dog Food's morphed into John Cleese!

I'M A FISH, I MUST SWIM FREE!"

Spratt threw himself into the sea!

 

"Oh great" said Dog Food "now we're shafted,

Adrift in a boat so badly crafted.

I've been below to take a peek,

We've sprung a rather nasty leak!"

 

The idiot said he understood,

The tape had parted with the wood!

"Fear not my friend, from recollection,

I'm sure I packed my spoon collection!"

 

Dog Food sighed, "For goodness sake!

We're drowning here, not eating cake!

The time and place for cutlery,

Is not whilst filling up with sea!"

 

The Village Idiot gave no heed

To scolding from the midget steed.

"My trusty spoons you must now borrow,

And bail out like there's no tomorrow!"

 

 

To be continued...

 

 

 

[Mesterh]

That's quite brilliant.

 

Although can you change your avatar please as that's not what i want to see at bedtime.

[the village idiot]

That's quite brilliant.

 

Although can you change your avatar please as that's not what i want to see at bedtime.

 

Sorry Mesterh, these clothes are all I have!

 

I could take them off if you'd prefer?