Official derail thread

[RobArb]

It all started when our (former porn) star, Tree, woke up in a magical cornfield. It was the ninth time it had happened. Feeling really frustrated, Tree attacked a dangerous oil-soaked rag, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Suddenly cheered up by the Hamtaro theme song, he realized that his beloved Root was missing! Immediately he called his favorite Mormon, Leaf. Tree had known Leaf for (plus or minus) half a million years, the majority of which were enticing ones. Leaf was unique. He was plucky though sometimes a little... dimwitted. Tree called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.

 

Leaf picked up to a very unhappy Tree. Leaf calmly assured him that most 3-legged wallabies sneeze before mating, yet albino cats usually earnestly panic *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Tree. Why was Leaf trying to distract Tree? Because he had snuck out from Tree's with the Root only five days prior. It was a curious little Root... how could he resist?

 

It didn't take long before Tree got back to the subject at hand: his Root. Leaf sighed. Relunctantly, Leaf invited him over, assuring him they'd find the Root. Tree grabbed his canoe and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Leaf realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the Root and he had to do it aimlessly. He figured that if Tree took the tricycle, he had take at least four minutes before Tree would get there. But if he took the Chainsaw? Then Leaf would be exceedingly screwed.

 

Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Leaf was interrupted by four insensitive Bats that were lured by his Root. Leaf grimaced; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling stunned, he fearlessly reached for his ripened avocado and deftly poked every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the fanstic pumpkin patch, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the Chainsaw rolling up. It was Tree.

 

----o0o----

 

As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Texaco to pick up a 12-pack of potatos, so he knew he was running late. With a mighty leap, Tree was out of the Chainsaw and went scandalously jaunting toward Leaf's front door. Meanwhile inside, Leaf was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the Root into a box of dull pencils and then slid the box behind his hippopotamus. Leaf was frustrated but at least the Root was concealed. The doorbell rang.

 

'Come in,' Leaf indiscriminately purred. With a calculated push, Tree opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some funny-smelling spite-toting jerk in a curb-jumping ghetto sled (Impala),' he lied. 'It's fine,' Leaf assured him. Tree took a seat about two saucy furlongs from where Leaf had hidden the Root. Leaf turned red trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Tree was distracted. Heart filled with earnest fortitude, Leaf noticed a insensitive look on Tree's face. Tree slowly opened his mouth to speak.

 

'...What's that smell?'

 

Leaf felt a stabbing pain in his scalp when Tree asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the Root right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A oafish look started to form on Tree's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's carrots from when she used to have pet South American hissing sloths. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Tree nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Leaf could react, Tree thoughtfully lunged toward the box and opened it. The Root was plainly in view.

 

Tree stared at Leaf for what what must've been five nanoseconds. In a blinding moment of misguided bravado, Leaf groped exotically in Tree's direction, clearly desperate. Tree grabbed the Root and bolted for the door. It was locked. Leaf let out a flamboyant chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Tree,' he rebuked. Leaf always had been a little insensitive, so Tree knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Leaf did something crazy, like... start chucking dangerous oil-soaked rags at him or something. In a blinding moment of misguided bravado, he gripped his Root tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

 

Leaf looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Tree. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame eleven days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Tree. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Leaf walked over to the window and looked down. Tree was gone.

 

----o0o----

 

Just yonder, Tree was struggling to make his way through the bush behind Leaf's place. Tree had severely hurt his prostate during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral Bats suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the Root. One by one they latched on to Tree. Already weakened from his injury, Tree yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Bats running off with his Root.

 

But then God came down with His plucky smile and restored Tree's Root. Feeling angered, God smote the Bats for their injustice. Then He got in His pimp fresh, candy-painted 'Lac and jettisoned away with the fortitude of 550,000 long-haired sea monkeys running from a little pack of long-haired sea monkeys. Tree jumped with joy when he saw this. His Root was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in ten minutes his favorite TV show, Glee, was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When 3-legged wallabies meet contraceptive'). Tree was pleased. And so, everyone except Leaf and a few contraceptive-toting venomous koalas lived blissfully happy, forever after.

[butler]

:smokin:

[Martyn Amos]

:confused1::confused1:

[janey]

Oh Rob.... Where do I start?

 

Sounds like you've been reading far too much Jeff Noon. Among other things.

Edited March 27, 2011 by janey

[RobArb]

its late on a sunday and i've not slept much:blushing:

 

derail away:lol:

[Tom D]

What's a landi fir?

[Frank]

Do I need safety specs to read that??

[rorymoon]

Uuummm! :elefant:

Shrooms?

[armchairarborist]

What's a landi fir?

 

landy with pubic hair on its muttnutts:thumbup:

[Frank]

What's a landi fir?

 

Its fir travelling off road maaaate.