Jokes???

[bbtarb]

I was crying when I read some of them!!

 

simply squat over the yoghurt pot and lower your ballsack in . . . .

[PeteB]

I have to keep things in order but after laughing at those reviews, I'll stay clear of the product. Thanks Tommy, good find.

[PeteB]

I received this as an email recently....

 

This is one from NHL Hall of Fame broadcaster Jiggs McDonald in Orillia .

 

Tolerance

 

I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends are against

another mosque being built in Toronto .

 

I think it should be the goal of every Canadian to be tolerant

regardless of their religious beliefs.

Thus the mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance.

 

That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next

door to the mosque, thereby promoting tolerance from within the

mosque.

 

We could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, "The Turban

Cowboy ", and the other a topless bar called "You Mecca Me Hot."

 

Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and

adjacent to that an open-pit barbeque pork restaurant, called

" Iraq o' Ribs."

 

Across the street there could be a lingerie store called

" Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret ", with sexy mannequins in the

window modeling the goods.

Next door to the lingerie shop there would be room for an adult

sex toy shop, "Koranal Knowledge ", its name in flashing neon

lights, and on the other side a liquor store called "Morehammered."

 

All of this would encourage Muslims to demonstrate the

tolerance they demand of us, so their mosque issue would not be

a problem for others.

 

If you agree with promoting tolerance, and you think this is a

good plan, please pass it on...

[PeteB]

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise

for answered prayers.

 

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise.

Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle crash and his

scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors

didn't know if they could help him."

 

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they

imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

 

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move

caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate

operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed

remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

 

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as

they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

 

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of

the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover

completely."

 

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively

asked if anyone else had something to say.

 

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

 

He said, "I'm Tom Smith."

 

The entire congregation held its breath.

 

"I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

[PeteB]

FLYING SOLO

 

This is the story of a poor blonde flyingin a two-seater airplane with just

the pilot.

He has a heart attack and dies. She frantically calls a May Day:

 

"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is

dead. I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"

 

All of a sudden she hears a voice over the radio saying:

 

"This is the tower. I have received your message and I will talk you through

it. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Just relax.

Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."

 

She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm sitting."

 

"O.K." says the voice from the tower. "Repeat after me: Our Father. . . Who

art in Heaven. . .. "

[PeteB]

Subject: Bitches till the end

 

 

 

 

Bitches 'til the End !

 

 

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've got some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'

 

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

 

'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini.'

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less sombre. There were some laughs and more martinis.

They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'

The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

 

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?'

 

'Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'

 

And THAT, my friends, is what is called,

'Putting Your Affairs In Order.'

[PeteB]

Dear Tech Support,

 

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend to Husband and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend. In addition, Husband uninstalled many other valuable programmes, such as Romance and Personal Attention and then installed undesirable programs such as Rugby, Football, Sailing and Continuous TV. Conversation no longer runs, and Housecleaning simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging to fix these problems, but to no avail.

 

What can I do?

 

Signed,

 

Desperate

........................................................................................................

 

 

Dear Desperate,

 

First keep in mind, Boyfriend is an Entertainment Package, while Husband is an Operating System. Please enter the command: 'http: I Thought You Loved Me.html' and try to download Tears. Don't forget to install the Guilt update. If that application works as designed, Husband should then automatically run the applications Jewellery and Flowers, but remember - overuse of the above application can cause Husband to default to

 

Grumpy Silence, Garden Shed or Beer. Beer is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

 

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband.

 

In summary, Husband is a great system, but it does have limited memory and cannot download new applications quickly. It also tends to work better running one task at a time. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food and Hot Lingerie.

 

Good Luck,

 

Technical Support

[PeteB]

Longest Nerve In The Body

 

 

 

 

Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus?

 

It's called the Optirectal Nerve, and it is responsible for giving people a s&**^% outlook on life.

 

If you don't believe it, pull a hair from your ass and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eyes.

 

My public service is done for the day!

[Christopher Schroeter]

What's grey, made out of concrete, and howls at the moon?

 

A wolf.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I just threw in the concrete to make it hard!

[Mycoman]

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a

Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an

Indian, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a Dane,

several Americans (including a Hawaiian

and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Slovak,

an Australian, an Egyptian, a New Zealander,

a Japanese, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Uzbek,

a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a

Malaysian, a Croatian, a Cypriot, a Pole,

a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a

Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a

Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech,

an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran,

a Panamanian, an Andorran, a Venezuelan, an

Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Israeli,

an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Liechtensteiner,

a Moldovan, a Syrian, an Aruban, a Mongolian,

a Portuguese, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Cook

Islander, a Norfolk Islander, a Haitian, a

Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Georgian, a Bahaman,

a Tajikistani, an Armenian, an Albanian, a

Samoan, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin

Islander, a Belarusian, a Qatari, a Tongan, a

Cambodian, a Canadian, a Cuban, an Azerbaijani,

a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a

Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman,

an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Serb,

a Swiss, a Greek, a Bulgarian, a Belgian, a

Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and two

Africans walk into a fine restaurant.

 

"I'm sorry," says the maître d', "but

you can't come in here without a Thai."