Jokes???

[sime42]

[WirralBoy]

[oldwoodcutter]

Friend of mines a vet, who does taxidermy on the side.  His customers always take their pet home 

[Oldfeller]

came in from the workshop today and instantly saw the missus was in good mood, 

you look happy I  casually said.

I've been sorting out some things in my wardrobe I've had ages, I'll show you, 

she scuttles off and comes back and says I wore this when I was 16 years old,,, and it still fits me.

It's a feckin' scarf, I said, hasn't spoke to me since.

 

[Oldfeller]

Some of you may recall the tales of my dear friend Big John a little while back, here's another,,

Picture the scene, it's Christmas time, a few of us have decided to get together at the local boozer for a decent end to the year, we've arranged to meet John there, he doesn't show, unusual for him, a few calls are made and he is apparently working security for a well know band at a gig, so we carry on in his absence content that he is ok, around midnight the pub telephone is ringing of the hook and the landlord answers, thinking it's someones irate wife calling about the husband, apparently it's Big John, wanting to know if the pub is still open, and having been told yes, can somebody put "Merry Christmas Everybody on the jukebox in 5 minutes, 

landlord humors John , "yeah ok" and hangs up, approximately 5 minutes passes and landlord tells someone,, Put Slades Merry Christmas Everybody, on the jukebox, every one looks a little surprised but it gets put on as requested, right as the moment it starts,, door literally bursts open and a very drunk Big john staggers in accompanied by an equally drunk,,, 

Noddy Feckin' Holder!, in perfect unison they proceed to sing the whole feckin' song  perfectly, with the whole pub being heartily encouraged to join in. 

Noddy Holder kipped on Big Johns Sofa that morning as was when we finally left.

John often did security for various bands and always managed to get them either into, or out of all kinds of predicaments.

Edited 7 hours ago by Oldfeller