Jokes???

[Malus]

For anyone who's keeping up with the news.

 

Israeli Cannibals trying to decide how to prepare their latest victim: "Who's sayin' Salami?"

[Malus]

One of my dairy herd stepped on my foot this morning, now I lactose. 

[Steve Bullman]

[Oldfeller]

"An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...

 

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

 

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

 

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

 

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

 

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

 

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.

 

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

 

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

 

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

 

'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy ... do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

 

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No ... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times"...

[Oldfeller]

WHY MEN DON'T WRITE ADVICE COLUMNS...

Dear John,

I hope you can help me?

The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching TV. My car started stalling and then broke down about a mile down the road. I had to walk back to get my husband's help. When I got home, I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor's daughter! I am 32, my husband is 34, and the Neighbor's daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I need advice urgently.

Can you please help?

Sincerely, Sheila

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold. It could also be that the fuel pump itself is faulty. I hope this helps...

John..

[sime42]

Sheila’s dishwasher stopped working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, “I’ll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll mail you a cheque”.

“Oh, by the way don’t worry about my bulldog Spike. He won’t bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot! I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!”

When the repairman arrived at Karen’s apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn’t contain himself any longer and yelled, “Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!”

To which the parrot replied, “Get him, Spike!”

 

[Oldfeller]

A labour voter knocks the door of a brothel

A woman answers and asks what he wants

The labour man asks what can I get for £1.50p

The lady says go have a wank

3 minutes later the labour  man returned and knocked the door again

The Same lady answers and says what now

The labour man says,, WHO DO I PAY?

[Oldfeller]

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perked up and said, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'

'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. I

am celebrating.'

This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the

woman.'

'What a coincidence!' said the farmer. As they clinked glasses he

added, 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my

Gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence!' said the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for

years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying

fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become

fertile?'

'I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, 'What a coincidence!'

[Oldfeller]

A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer and a sandwich.
The bar tender says "but you're a duck".
The duck says "I see your eyes work OK".
The bar tender says "and you can talk too".
The duck says " and your ears work fine also, could I please have a beer and a sandwich".
The bar tender says "where did you come from?"
The duck says "I'm working on the building site across the road".
So the bar tender gets the duck a beer and a sandwich, and the duck pays him.
This goes on every lunch time for a few weeks.
One day a circus comes to town and the ringmaster drops in to the bar for a drink.
The bar tender says "you're from the circus aren't you?”
"Yes I am" says the ringmaster.
"Would you be interested in a duck that can talk?"
"Talk?"
"Yes, talk. Perfect English".
"Well I sure would be if it's true" says the ringmaster.
Next day the duck comes in and orders a beer and a sandwich as usual.
The barman says to the duck "how would like a job at the circus? Great pay and lifestyle"
"The circus?" asks the duck. "With the great big canvas 'big-top'. And the animals in cages?"
"Yes" says the bartender.
The duck replies "what the f*ck would the circus want with a plasterer?"

[Oldfeller]