Jokes???

[brownie1964]

I thought I would cheer you all up and tell you some jokes. Plus it would be good to have a joke forum so we could all have a good laugh. What do you think Steve??

 

Anyway I was working at this house to day taking out an Ash and these two woman came up the garden path, they said excuse me can I ask you a question? Do you eat bread? I said yeah "Brown" Well that was it for half an hour I got my ears battered on the benefits of eating white bread and what it can do for me and how I will feel if I change my ways. Bloody Hovis witnesses.

 

Two blokes in a pub chatting, one says you know old Ted the builder he passed away last night, no way how did that happen? Well he was working on my roof fixing slates and he fell, he went straight through into the loft, is that how he died the other asked. No he grabbed the electric cables on his way through to the bedroom floor, is that how he died? Hell no, he hit the bedroom floor and went straight through it, grabbing the gas pipe. Is that how he died? No way, he went straight through and he hit the living room floor, Hang on says the bloke just how did he die? I shot him! Why did you shoot him? Bloke replies "Cos he was wrecking my blood house".

[Leyburn Lad]

Paddy and Murphy are sat in the pub and the barmaid mentions there both getting a bit of a belly, they decide it's time for a bit of exercise, the barmaid says the best form is dancing .

 

They decide to make a list of differnt types and decide which they like as they try them over the next few weeks.

 

Following night they both stagger into the bar torn to shreds clothes hanging of them blood every were, Paddy turns murphy and says rioght we can knock the bloody lion dancing of the list:wave:

[Paul Smith]

heather mills announced she is going to buy a plane with her divorce settlement but she is still going to use immac for her other leg.

[colin james]

There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years.

 

Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife's annoyance.

 

"You'll fart your guts out one of these days," she always complained.

 

After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy's arse.

 

While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream.

 

Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs.

 

"You was right all along Missus," the old man says, "I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!"

[Steve Bullman]

i'll sticky it for now mate, we'll see how it goes

[Paul Smith]

A small zoo in Glasgow acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle.

 

Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in season. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

 

Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Boaby McKay, a local lad & part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages.

 

Boaby, like many Glasgow folk, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Boaby was approached with a proposition.

 

Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for £500 ?

 

Bobby showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

 

The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions:

 

1. "First", Boaby said, "Ah'm no gonnae kiss her on the

 

lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

 

2. "Second", he said, "Ye cannae never tell naebdy aboot this." The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

 

3. "Third", Boaby said, "I want any weans raised as Celtic fans." Once again it was agreed.

 

4. "And last of all", Boaby stated, "You'll need to gie me another week to come up with the £500"

[Benjani501]

After a woman meets a man in a bar, they talk and end up leaving together. They get back to his flat and as he's showing her around, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of them - all arranged in size, from the smallest on the shelves along the floor, to the huge daddy bears on the very top shelf. A bit surprised by this, the woman decides not to mention this to him. After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks smiling, 'How was it?', 'Well,' says the man, frowning. 'You can have any prize from the bottom shelf'

[Paul Smith]

An airplane takes off from the airport. The Captain is Jewish and the

First Officer is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and it's obvious, by the silence, that they don't get along.

 

After thirty minutes, the Jewish Captain mutters: "I don't like Chinese."

 

The First Officer replies: "Oooooh, no like Chinese? Why dat?"

 

"Your people bombed Pearl Harbor. That's why I don't like Chinese."

 

"Nooooo, noooo, Chinese not bomb Pearl Hahbah.

That Japanese, not Chinese."

 

"Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese... it doesn't matter, you're all alike."

 

Another thirty minutes of silence.

 

Finally,

 

The First Officer says: "No like Jew."

 

"Why not? Why don't you like Jews?"

 

"Jews sink Titanic."

 

"The Jews didn't sink the Titanic. It was an iceberg."

 

"Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg, Spielberg; no mattah ... all da same."

[treewizard]

heather mills announced she is going to buy a plane with her divorce settlement but she is still going to use immac for her other leg.

 

hahahahahahaahahahahaha:lol:

[John Shutler]

two penguins sat in the bath..

one says "can you pass the soap"

 

the other says "ohh my god a talking penguin"