sean

I have to concur. I am continually amazed at the support both financially and vocally that I have had from the members of Arb talk. Steve you should be very proud for being the instigator of such a fine community. Thank you all very much

May 6th Think you're having a bad day? Think again my friends. I just donned my new funky pyjama bottoms ready for a days wheeling round the ward. Had them on for all of two minutes before I crapped them. Only a little bit I might add but enough to render them unwearable! Gutted, as along with my crocs and flat cap they formed some outfit I can assure you. Oh well shall have to have a rethink on my attire for the day. Although it is all too easy to think of every day here as Groundhog Day there are daily small changes to the routine, small achievements. This week there have been two significant events both of equal importance but not in satisfaction or enjoyment. The first was that I got to stand up for the first time in six weeks. Now before you all go running outside with your hands in the air shouting " It's a miracle, It's a miracle" this is not how it might appear I'm afraid to say. Yes I stood, upright, on my feet, supported by my legs but I was strapped into a standing frame. Man did it feel good though. I don't think I will be able to put into words how good it felt. After being flat on my back for 4 weeks or so and a couple of weeks sat on my arse in a wheel chair to finally stand upright, all 6ft 1inch of me was pure bliss. Putting aside the medical benefits for one minute just the fact that I could once again look down on people rather than be looked down upon, well the natural order of things was temporarily restored surely? In all seriousness though the benefits of this are many. It will keep the blood flowing in my legs, reducing the chance of blood clots. Keeps the muscles and bones healthier and is really good for my bowel and bladder management to name but a few. Oh and I get to look down at people again. Did I mention that (I jest of course). Unfortunately after sitting back in my chair following said standing I went to make sure that my undercarriage was in a comfortable position ( a regular routine when you have no feeling down below.) It's a good job that I checked as I found my catheter had been wrenched from my bladder and out of my John Thomas. (It will be interesting to see how many words I can use to avoid me saying Dick or Cock) whoops sorry Mum! Anyway I digress. The catheter had been forcibly removed and physio had to stop. I was due to have it removed the following day anyway and commence my self catheter insertion regime whatever the terminology is so this incident led it to being brought forward by twenty four hours. The thought of not traipsing around with a big bag of urine on my leg gave me a boost until I saw what the alternative was! The Self Insertion Catheter is exactly that, a catheter you insert into your bladder via your penis. BOYS OF A CERTAIN DISPOSITION MAY WANT TO STOP READING NOW OR CLOSE YOUR EARS IF YOU ARE UNABLE TO READ AND THIS IS BEING READ TO YOU. Sorry but I should have put that notice at the beginning of the paragraph but can let you off too lightly. 😄. So there I was laying on the bed with my Crown Jewels out. ( seems to be a common theme looking back through my posts). The nurse began to explain what I needed to do and then started the insertion. Sorry, I should quickly explain what the catheter is for those who do not know. Well it's basically a straw measuring approximate 2 ft which you put down your Todger until it reaches your bladder and you start to urinate out of it into a small cardboard Trilby Hat. Anyway so the nurse began the insertion and I had to look away. "Sean you need to watch this" she said. " I can't" said I " well you bloody need to because you will be doing it alone next time so watch please" she said again. This went on a couple of times until at last it had reached its destination and the deed was done. The catheter and start on bladder suddenly took on a whole new level of appeal. So that is me now, 4 times a day, draining my bladder with a bloody great straw. Not the easiest thing to do when sitting in a wheelchair, wearing trousers with no fly, trying to multi task with only 2 hands trying desperately to fill the hat and not make a mess. On a psychological level it was also another harsh reality. This was my life now. I will have to carry around the kit for me to carry out this operation wherever I may be. I will have to record my fluid intake and gauge when my bladder will need emptying to avoid an embarrassing accident. I know in time this will become second nature. Except of course on those days when I've sunk about ten ciders with whiskey chasers. Note to self, take spare trousers on that day. Sometimes when wading through my previous posts it occurs to me that I may not be entirely honest with regards my thoughts and feelings. Don't get me wrong I tell no lies but maybe in the process of trying to be funny and putting a humorous slant on things a false picture maybe getting painted. So for the record I ******* hurt! Both emotionally and physically. None more so this past week to be honest. Every morning I wake up and I am in pain. My hips, my back, my ribs my neck. What I want to do as soon as I wake is get out of bed and into my chair. To change position because this often eases the pain a little. Until later on after being in the chair for a few hours I just want to get back into bed. I am living with a constant feeling in my feet and legs and backside which in indescribable but I will try. My feet, especially the left feels like it is in a vice being slowly closed, whilst somebody is hammering hundreds of red hot pins into the soles of my feet and toes. Every time I cough or sneeze the pain in my body often makes my eyes water. I can barely turn my torso due to the brace which I am still wearing. The brace prevents me from dressing myself or sitting up without it on. My morning still commence with me laying while somebody 'manages' my bowels. This is all a very small part of my experiences here. A very small part! I miss my family dearly. Being at home with them. Being silly. Laughing and joking with them. Cuddling and kissing them. Just being with them. Having a normal life with them. I am really feeling my little boy right now. Being physical with him, wrestling with him, playing football with him, being totally stupid with him. It breaks my heart not being able to do those with them all. I miss going to the pub with my friends and family. I miss leading a normal life. And I find it bloody hard. Harder than I sometimes let on. I do want to scream. In fact I do scream, but quietly to myself. Of course I am scared but I try to meditate the pain away. I listen to music, I have a cry but then get on. Genuinely pretty jovial though however and on the whole try to remain positive. Perspective is a wonderful thing. There's a guy in the ward who whenever I talk with him makes me feel a wealth of emotions. My heart aches for him, I feel so sorry for him. Funny really that I can feel sorry for myself yet quickly count my lucky stars. He is a builder who is now paralysed. He has very limited movement in his hands and arms and none in his legs. His spasms are so intense they throw him from his bed. He is on 20 pills a day just to control the spasms, forget about very thing else. He has to be pushed everywhere and be fed. "Look at these hands Sean. 5 weeks ago they were building a house, now look at them." I cried inside for him. He is 28 years old. In a moment of stupidity (his words) he somersaulted onto the sofa and it went horribly wrong. As I said perspective is a wonderful thing. I got away lightly and am very lucky in many ways. Although lucky and unlucky ebb and flow depending on the day. Peace x x P.s. Two pairs of trousers soiled now. Have a nice day x This song is very powerful for me. I've been listening to it for a while, before the accident but recently it's power has increased. today I was in the gym standing in the frame ( see below). I listened to this track and it had me in tears. I was sending the bass through my body to my legs. When it kicks in at 1.55 mins I started to cry. I wanted to break free from the standing frame and dance. I wanted to dance like I had never danced before. I danced standing there instead, engulfed by the bass, by the melody and shed tears. Tears of pain, of hope and of joy and love x

Mate of course I'm interested in your story. You have been through an immense trauma. Yes it is different to mine but trauma all the same. Thanks for taking the time to write I really appreciate it. Keep being strong mate and I wish you all the best and a full recovery. With tegards my accident there are investigations and all sorts going on so til such time things are resolved things have to remain private. Take care mate

April 27th So there I was this morning laying starkers having a bed wash when a hairy arsed builder appeared on some scaffolding staring through my window. Cheeky git. If he was taking a sneaky look in the hope of catching a glimpse of some nubile young babe he was sorely disappointed. Not entirely sure who was the most shocked, him or me. I don't think he will be back in a hurry though. Quite an intensive week with regards physio although some of the exercises would be a breeze for a 3 year old. It's during physio to be honest when I have my lowest points. Only momentarily I might add and only because what is being asked of me is so easy yet so bloody hard! I never realised for instance how much my bloody legs weighed. It is only having had to lift them with one hand onto the bed from the floor for instance that this became apparent. Believe me it isn't easy. I did a car transfer today, again ahead of schedule. The car in question is a wreck of a convertible with bucket seats. I think I would have struggled to get into it if I had control of my legs but managed it in the end. Lost count of the amount of times I smashed my knees on the steering wheel but I'm glad I have no feeling there anyway. At one stage I suggested that it might be easier if I got into it Dukes of Hazard style. She wasn't having any of it. Once I have done a town trip with the Occuptional Therapist and another one or two car transfers I will be a free man. Well, relatively so. It will mean that when Susi and the kids or any visitors for that matter come to visit we can go out and about in the car which will be a god send I'm telling you. Although I try to remain as positive and buoyant as possible there are still many times when my situation hits me out of nowhere. Whatever I do I will be reminded of the fact that my legs do not work anymore. I am paralysed! I be reading a book and the author will start talking about scrambling over a load of boulders. I will have to put the book down as it is a stark reminder that I can no longer do that. The character in the film I am watching is running down the beach. I have to turn it off. I start to watch the football, only to be painfully reminded that I will never fulfil my ambition of becoming a professional footballer. I was on the verge of making it as well. Life can be so cruel. It would be so easy to plummet, to spiral to the depths but as I have said many times before I cannot, will not stay there for too long. What use will it do? It isn't going to make me walk again. It will not change anything. I have to stay strong, accept what has happened and move forward. Who knows what will happen in the future? Right now I need all my energy on getting me better and getting home.

I am truly amazed at the generosity and kindness you lot have shown myself and my family. Thank you all so much. You are all very fine people.

So today I have been assaulted and scalped by the resident hospital barber. I have had my first session of wheelchair skiiiiiiiiillllls! I did a little slalom through the cones..... Not allowed to do advanced skills until my chest brace is off although when I'm alone I already do stuff that's way advanced of advanced like full on handbrake turns and back flips. Well not back flips, well not intentional back flips anyway. I also had some time with the lovely Jax . So nice to chill in the sun and have a good old laff. And of course she bought me food and chocolate. Well par for the course now, my cupboards and drawers look the like the stock room of Fortnum and Masons. A good day x Thank you all once again for all your support. You are such fine people.

Great story. Cheers

Hi. I have no recollection of the accident at all. There were witnesses but due to investigations by HSE amongst others things need to remaini private for now. Apologies.

18th April Another week ticked off, complete. A lot of progress this week. An hourly increase in the wheelchair which will culminate tomorrow at 8 hours per day although once I reach 8 hours I can effectively stay in it as much as possible. Getting the hang of it but being a natural born show off and never one to take things slowly had a couple of near misses and at one point had to shout for Charlie as I was teetering on the two front wheels about to be tipped out. Well saved Charlie I knew I could rely on you. Bloody hard work sitting in a wheelchair for hours after laying in bed for weeks on end. The chest brace doesn't help as far as the pain is concerned as it compresses my fractured ribs. Have to wear it for a couple more months whenever I'm in the chair as it stops me from slouching, keeps everything aligned and makes me look like robo cop . I have now moved and am residing in a smaller room with nice views. After the humiliation of being dragged out the kitchen by the Sister I have weighed up my options. Do I A) fight my corner, kick up a fuss by insisting I should be allowed in the kitchen and therefore onto the main ward or. B) enjoy the benefits of having my own room whilst at the same time being out and about all day and meeting people. Ummm no contest really, make my own coffee and toast versus total privacy and no snorers. Decision made. Had a bit of a scare the other night. I thought I must have had a serious relapse during the night and the grim reaper had come to take me away. I awakened from a dream to see a black cloaked figure at the end of my bed staring at me through the darkness. Wtf is that I asked myself. I must have been having a disturbed sleep prior to this as I let out a scream. Nobody came. I then realised it was my brothers all in one motorbike leathers he had left hanging from the coat hook earlier that day. I let out a sigh of relief at this realisation but then it occurred to me that I can't actually do anything about it. Under normal circumstances I would have gotten out of bed and moved them out of view, just as I did as a kid. But I cannot move, my legs do not work. I cannot buzz for the nurse either. What was I to say? " Umm could you please move those motorbike leathers for me as they are freaking me out". No cannot do that will just have to shut my eyes and hope for the best. As it happens the nurse came in the morning, saw the leathers and said ' blimey, I don't know how you slept with them there. They would have freaked me right out!". Started physio yesterday which like anything here was met with mixed feelings. Fantastic to be sitting on the the edge of a bed but I felt like a little toddler learning to sit up for the first time in its life. I felt like I was sitting in a chair that only had one balancing point. Rocking backwards and forwards and side to side arms outstretched until I managed to balance. Very frustrating and very tempting to give up but perseverance paid off and I soon nailed it. Small achievement but meant so much. I then had to sit catching and throwing a ball. Bizarre. At the end of the session the physio asked if I would like to do a bed to chair transfer on my own. She said she didn't expect me to do it and I should not actually be doing it for a week or two but she was happy for me to try. This is where I have an advantage over some others. Due to the nature of my work I still have good upper body strength despite being in bed for so long. I managed to lift myself by pushing down on my knuckles, move myself along the bed and into the chair. She was amazed and so pleased which made me feel great but also sad as a realisation that something which would have been a complete doddle a month or so ago was now seen as a major achievement. She thinks I will breeze through the physio. Let's hope she is right. In just want out now. Get my work done and get home. My days still veer from one of complete positivity to doubts, sadness and wobbles but on the whole I am buoyant and relatively happy. I get in well with most of the nurses and have lots of laughs with staff and visitors. Susi pushed me to the end of the land in my chair so I could view the landscape beyond the closed gate. Was really nice to be able to see wide open spaces. Definitely worth the bumpy ride which jolted me about a bit and hurt but hey ho. Still utterly gobsmacked by all the love and generosity being sent our way. The fundraising has been astounding. Love you all and many thanks. Until next time. X

Thanks so much guys

Wow. I am completely gobsmacked at the generosity and support of so many people. Thank you so much

April 13th Another day in paradise. Ha ha hardly! Still enduring the wake ups through the night and the 5am bowel management regime. Ached lots this morning from yesterday's stint in the wheelchair and for a moment felt that I would rather stay in bed but this was a fleeting thought and I looked forward once again to getting in the chair and out in the sun. Once up in the chair I went to my very first bit of rehab which I had been looking forward to. Got there and they asked what disability I had in my upper body. "do you have restricted or no use of your upper limbs?" they asked. Errr no it's my legs that I have a problem with, my upper body works fine I replied. Well there is no need for you to be here they said. See ya. Brilliant, another knock back. This followed the indignity of being hauled out the communal kitchen by the ward sister and told that although I am allowed out of my room I am not in fact allowed in the kitchen. I felt like a naughty boy and wondered to myself if somebody is having a joke at my expense. We've thrown all this crap at him and he's dealing with it so let's chip away at his mental strength and let's see if we can break him. Well I may have little wobbles but you aren't going to achieve it, sorry. And I did have a little wobble but sod it. Two hours in a wheelchair is bloody hard work after being on your back for so long. After an hour or so I want to give up and get back to my bed but know that I have to keep going. Spent Tim ees in the garden, pushed myself around the corridors for a while and introduced myself to fellow patients reassuring them that I am not lurgy boy and that they don't have to do a 360 and leave me in a cloud of dust. Arranged with one of the gardeners so I can do some small formative prunes in Horatios Garden next week on the young Birch trees which will obviously serve two purposes. Back in my bed now and ready for another day.

So 45 minutes in the wheel chair today out in the sun. It's so nice being up and about and getting some fresh air. It certainly works wonders on the soul. My friend came and cooked me an amazing Rib Eye steak which tasted exquisite. Thanks to all for your continued support Here's a photograph of one of the wood sculptures in the garden outside the spinal unit. Carved with chainsaw out of a single piece of Oak.

So I was out in my wheelchair yesterday. Had to be weighed etc so only got ten mins in the garden but today it will be 45 mins. Plus I have a friend who is going to cook me a steak in the car park. Small pleasures. My first tree encounter yesterday

April 9th So yesterday I got out of bed for the first time in 4 weeks. I dunno how those students do it because it's been driving me nuts. When I say I got out of bed it was not in the conventional sense of the word. Instead it was me being hauled out of bed with the aid of a mechanical hoist and lowered into my wheelchair for the very first time. I have to say that it was more than slightly nerve wrecking. I looked up at the hoist and questioned and fretted as to whether it would actually support my weight. I looked at the label to see when it was last inspected. I inspected the slings myself, looking for any signs of wear. That would be just my luck, get out of bed for the first time only to be unceremoniously dumped to the floor covered in plaster from the collapsing ceiling. Anyway into the chair I went. I have to say that everybody was far more excited at this new development than I was. I certainly had mixed feelings about it. On the one hand it was great to be out of bed, of course it was but on the other it was a huge reality check. Sitting in that chair brought it all home to me. This is it, certainly for now. Me in a wheelchair. Could well be for life. It was emotional. At the same time it was another small step ( have to stop using that expression) towards getting out of here and on with my life. I was in the chair for just 15 minutes and went outside into the sunshine. That was bliss but never has 15 minutes gone so quickly. Before you can count to 960 ( work it out) I was back in the room, hoisted out of the chair and back into my bed. Today it will be for 30 mins with an increase of 15mins each day. Within a couple of weeks I can pretty much spend whatever time I want in the chair and that's when I will be relatively free to whizz around the hospital as the urge takes me. I was in the chair long enough yesterday to realise that I will get the hang of it quite quickly so should have no trouble getting myself around. Ache like hell today from all the pulling, pushing, lifting I endured yesterday but it was worth it it. I look forward to getting out in the sun later. Thank you all for your continued support, for making me laugh, for making me cry, for making me dinner. Love ya x This will be my new soundtrack when bombing around the hospital. Listen and think of me x Can't seem to copy the link on the iPad but it's 'Silver Machine' by Hawkwind

To me it's a no brainier. Of course there are days where I feel sorry for myself, get angry and ask why?? But I owe it not to just myself but to my wife and children. What sort of example will I be setting the children if I just crumble? Allow myself to wither and give up. I need to remain strong for the family. To show the children that people with disabilities have as much to offer society as able bodied people. I need to show them that whatever happens they have the strength to overcome anything that is thrown their way. With the help of family and friends they can achieve anything they want. That obstacles will be placed in front of them and they will be better people having confronted and overcome them. I have much I want to do especially regarding trees and my photography. I see this as an opportunity for me to do so much. I know these are just words at this stage and it is going to be bloody hard but I am 46 and have years ahead of me to achieve so much. There are many people in far worse situations than me who have achieved so much, truly inspirational people. Anyway I would never be allowed to crumble. My family and friends wouldn't have it!! Here's a photo I took of an old Ash Pollard that sums up my mood right now

April 7th Sun is shining and I'm feeling strong. After a couple of days having a bit of a dip I woke this morning refreshed and ready to do this. I just want to get strong and get the hell out of here. On with my life in whatever form. Scary still for sure, the unknown, uncharted end waters but bring it on. Somehow they must have known, must have felt my new felt optimism for they have just delivered good news! Although not totally clear of C Diff infection control have declared that because I wasn't infected solely as a result of the antibiotics but because I am in the 5% of the population who are carriers ( See, I always knew I was special) I can now leave my room! Coupled with the fact that today or tomorrow I will be fitted with my brace which will enable me to not only sit up but get into a wheel chair this is great news. That's it I'm off. I do not know what my feelings will be when first getting into a wheelchair, mixed I'm sure but to get out of bed and out of this room will be amazing. The nurses are worried, they think I will be trouble. This morning I reassured them that I will be! Once I am in that chair I'm off. There will be no holding me back. Form my window I look across the car park to the not too distant trees and fields and that's where I will be heading. I will be going places I shouldn't. Like a kid I will be exploring the corridors of this sprawling hospital, I will be in the gardens. Hopefully I can wean myself off of these pain killers so I can enjoy an illicit cider in the greenhouse. I won't go too mad though, promise. I will conform and do what is asked of me but knowing me as I do I will push the boundaries somewhat. I'm at this point because of you lot as well as myself. The love and support has been incredible, it has lifted me when I have been low, you have made me laugh and reminded me of the important things. You have been with me for what has so far been a short leg of a very long journey and I know you will be with me for the rest of the way. Love ya x Susi has been a colossus and she has given me the strength to face this. A message she sent me last night gave me the strength to wake this morning and face this I love u so much harding x killing me not being by ur side x we have to stay strong honey x i know that easier for me to say x and its ok...to be down too x just not for too long xcos otherwise we'll lose our way x x x i love you sean harding, i'm here x if u need me i'll get in the car and drive to you x we will get through this me and you...my beautiful gorgeous man x x x i'll step out of the rush for you x sorry my beautiful man, sorry that u are going through this, i dont understand why, in my mind, it can only be if smething good is meant to come out of this...x x x love you, just the thought of you x nothing id rather do than be with you x i dont care if you havent got legs x you are still beautiful x more beautiful infact x i fell in love with you x your essence x your being x love you you you x strong together x x x youmemeyou x x x hate being away frm you x x x cant stop thinking of you x x x

April 3rd Ha ha I am now the proud owner of my own Testicle Hammock©. (I will spare you from seeing it in action, you'll just have to use your imaginations.) I know, I know, I've always been at the forefront of fashion, leading the way but I didn't realise I would continue to do so from my hospital bed. So boys, getting fed up of Betty Swallocks from laying in bed all day? Well the Testicle Hammock could be the answer. Keep those nether regions nicely aired as your testicles chill, swinging in the breeze whilst listening to tunes and enjoying a nice cold beer. Those creative crafty girls out there get to work now. It's Father's Day soon. A partners birthday. Get planning for Xmas. I'm thinking crochet, patchwork, tie dye, the options are endless. So, I'm feeling alright, on the mend. Still achy but slowly weaning myself off of the pain killers. Enduring serious sweat outs at night however ( see above) and am going through a couple of gowns a night. Getting used to the 3 hourly turns and managing to fall straight back to sleep before the next turn. Still waiting for the all clear from the C Diff which is still keeping me isolated from the rest of the ward. Not sure how much longer it will be but when the all clear comes I will be moved to the main ward which I still have mixed feelings about. Sometimes I lay here and forget what I am in hospital for and then bam it hits me! I've got no legs!! Well I have but they have had a fall out with my spinal chord and decided that they aren't bloody listening for now. I start thinking about all the things I won't be able to do in the future and it gets me down. Susi reminds me of all the things I will be able to do but also tells me to concentrate all my energies on the the present. Get myself better, take each day as it comes and focus on getting my legs working. Jasper is convinced I will walk again some day so let's hope he is right. Lots of talk this week about wheelchairs etc. I have been measured for a chair and a chest brace which will support my upper torso especially my back for the ensuing weeks in the chair. I have tended to switch off at any talk of chairs. I do not want to hear or accept it. I do not need a wheel chair, I do not want one. At the same time I cannot wait to get in one if it means getting out of this bloody bed. Jasper ( my little boy for those who do not know) has already talked to me about 'customising' my chair and suggesting he should get one too so we can get out together. Bless him. He seems a little shell shocked by it all but is handling it great as is Ellie and Alex. So proud of all them and miss them like mad. Must tell you this before I go as it still makes me laugh and sums up Jaspers attitude to this whole episode. A few weeks ago me and Jasper were fighting and as usual after letting him get the upper hand for a while showed him who was boss when he said " you wait until you are 50 or 60 then I will kick your ass". To which I replied ' Jasper, when I am 50 I will still be kicking your arse, when I am 60 I will still be kicking your arse." Last week when he was talking to me on the phone, knowing I was going to be in a chair he says " oh yea Dad, what was it you were saying about kicking my arse when you are 50?". Got to love him. Thank you all for your kind messages of support. They all mean so much and I am very grateful.

I would like to place on record however, despite my little tongue in cheek comments at times the nurses have been incredible! I cannot fault them, they truly are angels

April 1st Came off the Oxygen yesterday so am now breathing freely on my own once again. Another small achievement but a biggie in terms of my rehab. I also broke my personal records on the inhalation and exhalation machines so the blood clots are obviously being dispersed which is great news. Just got to wait for the infection to disappear and then I'm off! Unfortunately not off off as in out of here but it will enable me to finally get out of this bed and out of this room. Nearly 3 weeks now lying on my back.... It's driving me nuts. I've still got my own penthouse suite (hardly) but it is starting to feel like home. Unfortunately/fortunately ( not quite sure which) once my infection goes I will be evicted and placed on a 8 person ward with the snorers and the borers. Will be nice to mix with people, to hear their stories about rehab etc but it is also a little daunting. I'm sure it will all be fine however and I've got good earphones for when I want my own space. It's weird having physio on my legs. As the nurse pulls and stretches I look down at these two large legs, sometimes freaking out that I cannot actually feel them. It's a very odd sensation. At times I have to turn away as I find it quite disturbing to look at. I'm still talking to my feet and they still aren't bloody listening! Starting to getting used to the 3 hour turns during the night. Feel shattered though as the longest period of sleep I've had in the last couple of weeks is.... Wait for it..... 3 hours! I literally wake, turn, and get back to sleep again. In what seems like minutes the Gestapo walk into the room, hit the lights and it's turning time again. Because they are on nights a couple of the nurses just stand there yapping to you as you desperately try to get back off to sleep. Even when feigning sleep they will be by your side telling me stuff I wouldn't be interested in at 11 o clock in the morning let alone 2.30am. One of them was talking about The Voice on TV and then about how her neighbour who was a composer used to keep her awake all the time with his piano playing. Having left me to sleep she came in half hour later and woke me up to inform me that actually her daughter got to the audition stage of The Voice! Of the irony, you couldn't make it up. Really sunny today and I cannot wait to get out into the garden and look at the distant views, there's trees and everything. Really looking forward to getting my creative back in and taking photographs out there. Right, bed bath time courtesy of my lovely lady Susi. She's here until Sunday again which makes life here so much easier to handle x

Hi Guys. I've tried to PM you both to thank you for your personal messages to me. Unfortunately your inboxes are full. I really appreciate your messages of support and they have spurred me on. Thanks so much Sean

WARNING: THERE WILL BE SOME CONTENT THAT SOME OF YOU WOULD RATHER NOT READ DUE TO REFERENCES TO BODILY FUNCTIONS SO IF YOU ARE THAT WAY INCLINED DONT BOTHER OR ALTERNATIVELY DO NOT READ WHILST EATING CHOCOLATE MOUSSE OR CONGEALED GRAVY The weekend. ( 28th/29th March) Feeling a little low this morning after a couple more setbacks. I was supposed to be coming to Salisbury with a view to starting my rehab but unfortunately whoever/whatever deals the cards for each of us is either not shuffling them or its pissed off with me right now. Early Saturday evening the nurse came to carry out the manual evacuation of my bowels. This entails me laying on my side practically naked looking like god knows what. I would say a trussed up plucked chicken but an Emu or an Ostrich would probably be a more suitable comparison. The nurses gloved hands then go about their work inside my rectum. (I'm sure there are Tory MP's who would pay bloody good money for services like this in Mayfair! I had a kind of out of body experience when I was looking down at this proud, private man (me) and seeing what he had become. This triggered all sorts of feelings within me and I started to cry, this quickly turned into a sob and I started to break down. Anyway the nurse finished up what she was doing and left to be replaced by another to give me my wash. Halfway through the wash I shivered from a chill through the window which quickly developed into uncontrollable shaking. However much I tried I couldn't stop. My breathing was all over the place and despite wearing an Oxygen mask my levels were plummeting. WTF was happening to me. I was in the midst of a full on panic attack which lasted for about 20 mins during which I also thought I was going to have a heart attack. Scary ****. If the previous evenings events weren't enough Sunday morning I was informed that I had now contracted clostridium Difficile (look it up) and I was unable to leave my nice private room and move onto the ward. Well at least one good thing came out of it as I'm not ready to be on a ward yet as I still cannot sit up. When the nurse explained to me what I had I did In fact say to her that I didn't really want to move and isn't it amazing what you can buy on Amazon these days. It's bloody weird having physio on my legs. Watching my legs go up and down and side to side without any feeling freaks me out. I have to look away at times as its too much to handle. I have perfectly formed, working legs but the messages aren't getting them to move. That's the sad part. I just want to scream at them to '******* move'! Still thankful for all the support I have around me, the food parcels that are coming in and the love and energy sent my way. Despite the set backs I have woken this morning and the sun is shining. I have been measured for a wheel chair which despite emphasising how real this situation is also feels like a step( I wish ) further in my quest to get out of here and on with my life.

Not a great day today beginning around 4.30 am being hassled to make a decision as to what I wanted for dinner the following evening wtf? After finally falling back to sleep I was again woken at 6 for some lovely dawn suppository insertion. after which was informed that " I will be back in half an hour, to get it all out". I'll spare you the details but rest assured it was an occasion where I was glad I have no feeling below the waste!.... If you get my drift. And so to lunch.... Cottage pie and vegetables. Ummmmmm you can complain about cut backs and lack of money as an excuse for shite food in hospitals as much as you like ( which for the record is rubbish) but there is no excuse at all for boiling broccoli for at least 50 minutes until it resembles some sort of aquatic life form found at the bottom of a putrid lake. Lack of cash? You just wasted half the kitchen budget on gas cooking it ! After consuming a jam roly poly that contained quantities of jam on a molecular level a nurse then rushed in, in a panic asking if I had eaten my dinner. Resisting the urge to to answer " are you flickin jokin" she informed me that I should be on nil by mouth as I was having a scan. I'd eaten the pud anyway so told them the scan would have to be cancelled which was then overturned because it was all the wrong info anyway. A right Carry On? You bet missus. Anyway on a serious note the results of the scan we're not good. It was initiated because I have been finding breathing difficult. Consequently they have found two large blood clots on my lungs. In no time at all I was being pumped with blood thinning drugs which will continue for up to a year now! It also means I have to get a lot better before embarking on rehab. It has knocked my spirits somewhat today and I am completely worn out but am still feeling the love from you lot. It hits me from time to time just what has happened and it obviously depresses me but Susi has been a rock and together we will get there. I also put myself in the hospital beds of many many people who are laying in a far worse state than I am, in many cases with bombs exploding in the street outside. I know I am lucky and I know I can once again live a happy fulfilling life but I also know there will be plenty of bad days. I'm not ashamed to cry and let it all out and feel much better for doing so. Onwards and upwards Love you all and thank everyone of you for your continued support. Peace

Thank you Paul

Out of hundreds of people you are the only one who has taken that comment literally. Gobsmacked