Oldfeller

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.' Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, he said, "I've come to..." "Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you." 'Have you really?" Said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my speciality?" "Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat." After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?" "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there." "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!" "Well, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results." "My, that's a lot!" Gasped Mrs. Smith. "In my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that." "Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said. "Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." "She was difficult?" Asked Mrs. Smith. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look." "Four and five deep?" Said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement. "Yes", the photographer replied, "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in." Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh .. . . .equipment?" "It's true, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away." "Tripod?" "Oh yes, I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand for very long." Mrs. Smith fainted.

what't the difference between a labour voter and a new puppy? the new puppy stops whining after a couple of hours.

Two drunken bums are walking in skid row arguing about whether or that’s the sun or the moon up there in the sky. They come upon another bum and ask him to settle the argument. He says, I don’t know I’m not from around here.

A drunken bum is walking along the railroad tracks and he finds an old fashioned oil lamp laying on the ground. He picks it up and rubs the dirt off it and a huge genie appears and says thank you for releasing me! I will reward you with two wishes. The bum says I want a bottle of wine that will magically refill itself. Instantly a bottle appears and the bum chugs it down and the instantly it is refilled. The genie asks him what he want for his second wish and the bum replies, another bottle just like this one!

Apart from being a stunningly beautiful woman in her former days ,I doubt her beliefs and often vilified for them would have gone well with some on here. for the record I don't recall her stating much I don't agree with.

the "jimi Hendrix" style of chainsaw operation, wait until he uses his teeth! and then lights it on fire.

Stihl put up a competition for best tattoo incorporating their saws, I don't know whether that was the winner but I reckon he was in with a pretty good chance. first prize was 17 thousand dollars.

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nice looking wagon @Stubby have you had it long?

One has to ponder, if ai has taken lyrics, in this case from 50 cent, who I agree is quite the wordsmith, and simply rehashed it perfectly into another musical genre or style, and done it very well, how is it we don't get the same level of expertise? instead of the same pathetic loop of nonsense that doesn't address any problem associated with a simple courier delivery. I'm not sure giving a glorified synthesiser endless powers to manipulate and infect other avenues of humanity is a good thing.

Original Jethro Tull Guitarist Mick Abrahams Dead at 82 ULTIMATECLASSICROCK.COM See what his replacement in Jethro Tull had to say about the "magnificent guitar player."