Old Axe Men V New Axe Men .

[felixthelogchopper]

It was a Geordie version of Grange Hill featuring the artists currently known as Ant & Dec.

 

It wasn't very good. Ant & Dec's characters 'PJ & Duncan' went on to record rap mega-hit 'Let's get ready to rumble' which bizarrely didn't end their careers then and there, instead springboarding them to untold fame and fortune on our screens.

 

Best forgotten really, like Rent-a-Ghost.

 

Wash your mouth out! Rentaghost was positively Chekhovian in its delivery.

[TurtleWoods72]

Wash your mouth out! Rentaghost was positively Chekhovian in its delivery.

 

You sir, are Timothy Claypole and I claim my five pounds!

[Burgess]

Gold Rush has gone through the same sort of thing. The first season was Todd struggling to make a living with his friends. But now its Todd being a fat idiot who just gets in everyones way but rallys them around by saying that they're in America (they're actually mining in Canada) and its the 'best god dern country in the world' and reciting some passage from the bible whilst there's shots of the American flag fluttering in the wind.

 

He does have some nice orange work clothing though,

[wills-mill]

Duck Dynasty!

[felixthelogchopper]

You sir, are Timothy Claypole and I claim my five pounds!

 

'Don't go into the cellar'

[TIMON]

What a great way to start my weekend, visualising Henry Winkler on waterskis with his leather lancer jacket and shorts jumping over a shark. Only on ArbTalk eh!

 

 

 

You're right Stubby, a lot (all) these American TV reality things bloat out of proportion and the genuine likability of the pilot and first series quickly diminish in a farce of upscaling and fake 'drama'.

 

 

 

They effectively disappear up their own Arbholes™

 

 

 

Examples include:

 

 

 

Sons of Guns - Began as an interesting insight into the dealing of simple 'southern folks' in their gun smithing business. Quickly devolved into a bullet based soap opera where power struggles and workplace relationships took priority over the guns themselves. The builds went from a custom pistol for an anniversary gift to ridiculous anti-camel rocket launchers on WW2 armoured cars. "Ain't never bin dun befow-er" became Will's catch phrase as he endlessly bragged about his no doubt brief and event-less time in 'the corps' (USMC). Turns out he was the American equivalent to Jimmy Savile and has now been prosecuted for molesting his daughter who also features in the show, as some sort of curious 'eye candy' for the workers to fight over/marry.

 

 

 

American Guns - More of the same, but as if Disney produced it, and the director was the guy who did Lassie and Gentle Ben.

 

This time the family, led by slippery weasel 'Rich Wyatt' a man who makes Mike Brewer look like a social worker, do similar things to the SoG crew, but in Colorado. The whole show has a slightly more 'bible belt' veneer to it, apart from Rich's daughter, an almost Barbie doll-like airhead parading round in low cut tops and manipulating drooling men to her parents approval. Urgh.

 

The worst thing about this program is it quickly escalated to a formula whereby Rich and his hen-pecked son Kurt (the shops engraver) fly off in his helicopter to sthe ranch of some washed up former NFL star or such like and try to either sell him $60,000 worth of heavy machine guns because they had a prowler round a week ago, or buy his $60.000 worth of vintage and antique guns for about a third of what they're worth.

 

 

 

Inevitable the deal comes down to a wager at the end, where one piece from the collection will be gambled over in a challenge. This entails the customer and Rich both shooting at a watermelon or a jar of brightly coloured water in a field in a sort of lame modern day dual.

 

 

 

If this fails, Rich will slip off his Rolex or produce a silver bar from his pocket accompanied by a stack of dollars in a final attempt to 'sweeten the deal'.

 

 

 

Unbelievably this never seems to fail as I presume you can pay for food in drive throughs using silver pieces in America these days..if you're riding a horse and wearing a ten gallon Stetson.

 

 

 

Anyway, both SoG and AG usually end with a crescendo 'finale' where the customer comes to collect/test fire their new absurd lash up. This ups the ante from watermelons to blowing the crap out of mock Tiger tanks, boats, flimsy looking wooden 'buildings' made of old pallets, and all measure of preposterous nonsence. Then as the client whoops with joy because his 12 bore mounted harpoon 'blewed up da Nazi ve-hick-al' the team all shuffle off into the sunset patting each other's backs and grinning like idiots.

 

 

 

Ok, who's next?

 

 

 

Fast 'N Loud.

 

 

 

Sexier US version of Wheeler Dealers where the Mike Brewer character is child hating misogenist Richard Rawlings, who daubed with the sort of tacky 'skull rings' and heavy metal fan trinkets from the 80's goes about buying up old cars which he then 'hot rods'.

 

 

 

The show will start with RR and his ZZ Top Jr. mechanic Aaron going to view an old car, normally a rusty relic in a barn or garage owned by a toothless coffin dodger in the sticks.

 

After some cringeworthy haggling where RR attempts to outsmart the seller by insulting them, their wife, their house, and their children, a deal is struck. Said car is trailered back to the workshop where all the Gas Monkey employees gather round to take the p*ss.

 

 

 

Then we get to laugh as some poor sod has to evacuate 30 years worth of dead rats and stinking faeces, before they find out it's not the car they hoped it was and Richard decided to 'flip it for a quick buck'.

 

 

 

Every other episode he buys a pile of junk from the auction while drunk, and we watch him struggle to return a tenth of what he paid. But in the upside he'll have done a 'big build' which netted him $36,000 profit, so it's all good.

 

 

 

He also sells the odd Caddilac to his Swedish trader friend Magnus who he offloads all the unpopular cars on. We get to laugh at Magnus as he negotiates in pigeon English and ends up paying double what RR did for the Caddy.

 

 

 

Did I forget to mention the burn outs? Every car that they've just purchased or finished restoring has to be subjected to a tyre shredding burnout, or if it's really lucky endless donuts in the car park. The mechanics watch in awe from the side lines, sucking back choking clouds of tyre smoke whilst guffawing like children.

 

 

 

Oh, and he always HAS to get the car finished on a certain day since its entered into the auction - like it's a criminal offence to pull out of a sale. Once in the auction it's always a 'No Reserve' sale so from time to time his $35,000 build gets sold to a grandpa for $12,500. Richard takes it on the chin and goes to the bar..and we know what happens next right?

 

 

 

There are more, but I will stop now.

 

 

 

Why do I watch them you might ask? Because American Reality TV is so bad, it's great!

 

 

Turtlewoods.... You obviously have far too much spare time on your hands!

[TurtleWoods72]

Turtlewoods.... You obviously have far too much spare time on your hands!

 

Yes it's quite a waste of a beautiful life.

[twistedhicap]

Turtle couldn't have put it better IRT first series good the rest absolutely cod ........

Swap lovers is about the most believable ATM

 

Why don't they realise there is a market for real life this is how it's done rather than the hype it up for the tower lock livings benefit wannabes ?

[twistedhicap]

I ment swamp loggers

[TurtleWoods72]

I ment swamp loggers

 

No you didn't

 

Anyway, Swap Lovers sounds like far more interesting show!

 

Sounds like a racey Wife Swap!