Jokes???

[Pete Hart]

The scary thing is they aren't joking!

 

And I get to hear all about it from the couple of church goers from my extended family! We've had some interesting and heated discussions on the subject of evolution!!

 

 

Sent using Arbtalk Mobile App

[Dave Martin]

Sad news from the Nestle factory today as a man was crushed to death by hundreds of boxes of chocolate. He tried in vain to attract attention, but every time he yelled 'The Milky Bars are on me!' people just cheered.

 

:biggrin: I liked that.

[eggsarascal]

Whats the difference between a genealogist and a gynaecologist ?

 

 

One looks up the family tree.

 

The other looks up the family bush.

[Bob Slade]

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to

Sainsbury's

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to

get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women -

she loves to browse.

 

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local

Sainsbury's...

Dear Mrs. Harris,

 

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in

our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to

ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband,

Mr. Harris, are listed below and are "documented by our video

surveillance cameras":

 

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other

people's carts when they weren't looking.

 

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-

minute intervals.

 

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the

women's restroom.

 

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official

voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the

employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her

Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing

management to lose time and costing the company money.

 

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of

Maltesers.

 

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

 

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the

children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and

blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children

obliged.

 

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began

crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

Emergency Medics were called.

 

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a

mirror while he picked his nose.

 

10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he

asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

 

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly

humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

 

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look'

by using different sizes of funnels.

 

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed

through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

 

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he

assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES

AGAIN!

 

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the

fitting room was.

 

And last, but not least:

 

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited

awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in

here.'

One of the Staff passed out.

[Gray git]

Ow boy my wife is going to wish she didnt make me come shopping the next time we go!!!!!!!!

[PeteB]

Sweet! That wench of mine is going to be embarrassed but the kid's will have a right laugh in the shops at the weekend!

[markieg31]

How to make love!

 

Ingredients-

 

4 laughing eyes,

4 well shaped legs, 4 loving arms,

2 firm milk containers,

2 nuts,

1 mixing bowl,

1 firm banana.

 

Instructions-

1. Look into laughing eyes

2. Spread well shaped legs with loving arms

3. Squeeze & massage milk containers very gently

4. Gently add firm banana to mixing bowl working in an out until well creamed

5. As heat rises plunge banana deep into mixing bowl and cover with nuts, leave to soak, preferably not over night

6. The cake is done when banana is soft, if banana doesn't soften repeat steps 3-5 or change mixing bowls!

 

Notes -

1. If you are in an unfamiliar kitchen, wash utensils carefully before and after use!

2. Do not lick mixing bowl after use! And finally.

3. If cake rises, leave town!!

[PeteB]

I watched my girl walk slowly down the aisle. My heart beat faster with eager anticipation, my knees went weak with the glorious thoughts of the future, my eyes watered as she reached my side and reached out to hold my hand, my voice faltered as I said "get that trolley here, Stella is 3 slabs for the price of two!".

[geoff]

A little vid for fun.

 

[teepeeat]

Cheers Geoff, nothing like the classics :lol:

 

The wee boy was looking over my shoulder and is currently rolling around the floor in fits of laughter