Jokes???

[Dave Martin]

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.

 

The officer says, ' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'

 

The driver says, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'

 

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

 

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'

 

The wife smiles demurely and says, ! 'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.'

 

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

 

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic 75 pound fine.'

 

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'

 

The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

 

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T You shut up??'

 

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'

 

 

 

 

 

 

I love this part.... :

 

 

'Only when he's drunk

[Jellystock]

A middle aged woman decides to spice up her and her husbands sex life so promptly goes out and buys a pair of crutchless knickers.

That evening after doing dinner, washing up and putting the kids to bed she comes down to the front room and dims the lights where hubby is watching TV.

 

She sits on the sofa opposite..................opens her dressing gown slowly................... and parts her legs revealing her new crutchless knickers.

 

The old man peers across while straining his neck forwards............after a moment of straining his eyes he says

 

"Are they crutchless drawers you got on?"

 

"Yes" she replies all seductively.

 

"Thank Christ for that, I thought the sofa had split"

[Jellystock]

A 70-year-old man goes to the doctor's for a physical.

 

The doctor runs some tests and says to the man, "well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?"

 

And the man says, "oh, me and God? We're tight. We have a real bond, he's good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off."

 

Well, upon hearing this the doctor was astonished.

 

He called the man's wife and said, "I'd like to speak to you about your husband's connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?"

 

And she says, "that idiot, he's been pissing in the fridge!"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Do people with Alzheimers get Deja Vu?

[Bundle 2]

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i-L06PfDF-M&NR=1]YouTube - Durex Condom Commercial (Full with "Bloopers")[/ame]

[Alex Reid]

that video is very funny! and the joke before is class as well!

[Jellystock]

David Blunkett was lent a cheese grater......

 

 

 

 

Said it was the most blood thirstiest book he'd ever read:lol:

[TheTreeWiseMen]

One day in the future, George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

 

"I don't know what I'm going to do with you", says the devil.

"You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got some folks here who you may recognise, they weren't quite as bad as you, so I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll show you where they are kept and you decide which place you would like to stay in".

Bush thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room.

 

In it was Ronald Reagan and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.

"No!", George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

 

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Richard Nixon with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No! I can't do that, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day", commented George.

 

The devil opens a third door. In it, Bush saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Bush smiles in disbelief and says, "Yep!, This is the place for me alright!"

 

The devil smiles and says,

 

"OK Monica, you're free to go."

[rbtree]

A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which country had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

 

The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.

 

The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeckable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers ). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.

 

The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeckable' tree without breaking a sweat.

 

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. Why was the Canadian woodpecker able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in his own country?

 

After much woodpecker pondering, they came to the same conclusion:

 

Apparently, Tiger Woods was right when he said your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.

__________________

[dandkgroundcare]

I feel for the poor basterds in Haiti, Last time I had 30 aftershocks I couldn't find my house either.

[Bomag]

A rather ugly man walks into a pub with a big grin on his face, and orders a beer.

 

 

"What are you so happy about?", asks the landlord.

 

 

 

'Well, I'll tell you,' replies the ugly man. 'As you know, I live by the railway line. Well, on my way home from the pub last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the line, just like in the films. Of course, I went and cut her free, and took her back to my place.

 

 

 

Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything: me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!'

 

 

 

'Fantastic, you lucky bastard!', exclaimed the landlord. 'Was she pretty?'

 

 

 

'Don't know. Never found her head.'