Jokes???

[Bolt]

A couple was celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary when the wife claimed that her and her husband hadn’t argued since their wedding night.

 

After being asked about how they did it, the wife explains that after their wedding ceremony, they set off for the honeymoon in a horse and trap. The horse walked ten miles and stopped, refusing to go further.

“That’s one.” Said the wife. The horse looked back, walked another five miles, and stopped, refusing to go further.

“That’s two.” Said the wife. The horse looked back, walked another five miles, and stopped, refusing to go further.

“Alright - that’s three!” Said the wife angrily. She stepped out of their trop, grabbed a shotgun and shot the horse dead

“Hold on!” The husband said. “What the hell do you think you are doing woman? We are twenty miles from home with no way back, and that was an heartless act of sheer cruelty!”

The wife looked at her new husband and said: “That’s one.”

[Bolt]

A guy driving a Kia pulls up at the traffic lights next to a Rolls-Royce...

The driver of the Kia rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that’s a nice car. You got Wi-Fi in your Rolls? I’ve got Wi-Fi in my Kia!"

The driver of the Rolls looks over and says simply, "Yes I have Wi-Fi."

The driver of the Kia says, "Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there too? I’ve got a fridge in the back seat of my Kia!"

The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, "Yes, I have a refrigerator."

The driver of the Kia says, "That’s great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Kia!"

The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, says, "Yes, I have a television, a Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!"

The driver of the Kia says, "That's a very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Kia!"

Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls-Royce sped away. He went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that a bed be installed in the back of the Rolls. The next morning, the driver of the Rolls picked up his car. The bed looked superb, complete with silk sheets and brass trim. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce.

So, the driver of the Rolls drove around all day looking for the Kia...

Finally, late that night, he finds the Kia parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. The driver of the Rolls gets out of his car and knocks on the Kia’s window. At first there is no answer, then the owner sticks his head out, soaking wet.

"I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the driver of the Rolls said arrogantly.

The driver of the Kia says... "You got me out of the shower to tell me that?!"

[Bolt]

I stupidly used to think trips to the chiropractor were unnecessarily expensive and just didn't work, however, now I stand corrected.

[Doug Tait]

Don't know who put a.pound in Bolt, but well done!

[Bolt]

A plane crashes on a desert island and the only two survivors are some bloke called Dave and Scarlett Johansson.

 

After many long lonely nights together on the island they fall deeply in love and start having the best time together but Scarlett notices a deep sadness in Dave's eyes.

She tries talking to him about it but he cannot bring himself to talk about it.

Months go by and Scarlett sits down at the fire and explains to Dave that she has never loved anyone more than him and is desperate to make him happy.

With some trepidation Dave asks Scarlett if she can wear an old shirt and shorts that he's found and draw on a moustache with charcoal from the fire.

 

Scarlet leaves camp one night, gets dressed in the ragged salt stained clothes and draws on the fake facial hair and then walks back towards the camp fire.

Daves's face instantly lights up as she enters the clearing, he jumps up from his seat and runs over to her "Dude! You'll never guess who I've been having sex with!!!"
 

[WirralBoy]

[Bolt]

A husband and wife are chatting over dinner..

 

Husband: “If I died would you date another man?”

 

“Of course I would” she replies.

 

……. “But, Would you let him move in to our house?” Has asks, slightly taken aback.

 

“Of course I would” she replies.

 

“What! And let him sleep in our bed?” He says in disbelief 

 

“Of course I would” she replies.

 

“But…. you surely wouldn’t you let him use my Golf Clubs?” He stammers, incredulous as to what he was hearing.

 

“Oh, Definitely NOT. She replies.

 

Relieved, he asks “Is that because they are personal to me?”

 

“No” she says “It's because he’s left handed...”
 

[Bolt]

It’s Friday night and a young woman gets chatting with a handsome army sergeant in a bar.

After a couple of drinks she asks: “So when was the last time you slept with a real woman then?”

 

A little taken aback, the sergeant replies “Let’s see...that would have been about 2015”.

 

With that, the woman takes him home for a thoroughly enjoyable evening. Afterwards she exclaims: “Well sergeant...for somebody who hasn’t had sex since 2015 you certainly haven’t forgotten anything!”.

 

The man looks at his watch and says: “I should hope not, it’s only 2230!”

[Bolt]

Mike was going to be married to Rachel so his Father sat him down for a little man to man chat..

 

He said, “Mike, let me tell you something. 

On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your Mother, and said, ‘Here, try these on’.

Your mother did and she said to me that they were too big and she couldn’t wear them.

I replied to her, 'Exactly.. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.'

Ever since that night, we have never had any problems.”

 

“Hmmm,” said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.

 

So....On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Rachel, “Here, try these on..!”

 

She tried them on and said, “These are too large. They don't fit me.”

 

Mike said, “Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that.”

 

Then Rachel slipped off her knickers and handed them to Mike. She said, “Here, you try on mine!”

 

Mike did and said, “I can't get into your knickers.”

 

“Exactly” Rachel explained “And if you don't change your stupid smart-ass attitude, you never will.”
 

[Bolt]

Two hunters were talking tall tales about sketchy situations they had got themselves into, when one remembered about a particular trip to Africa….   “I was out in the savanna hunting, and I became aware of something behind me... so I turn around and see a huge lion right behind me ...I start running in order to escape but it was hopeless, with the lion getting closer and closer but just when I thought all was lost and I thought it was bound to get me, the lion just slipped and fell on the ground, buying me enough time to escape and reach safety.”  

 

Impressed, the second hunter then said “Wow, you must have balls of steel….. how the hell didn't you shit yourself mate?”

To which the first hunter replied "what do you think the lion slipped on?"