Jokes???

[Oldfeller]

Three men - aged 25, 35 and 45 - had applied to work for the FBI. They'd all passed the previous tests, and now it was time for the final test. All three men were sitting in a hallway with their wives, waiting to be invited into the test room. It wasn't long until the 25-year-old man was invited in.

 

An FBI agent instructed the man to sit down, gave him a gun and said to him: "Go shoot your wife." The man immediately stood back up, practically screaming: "Absolutely not! I love my wife - besides, she's pregnant with our first child! I don't want this job so badly as to kill her for it!" And he stormed out of the room.

 

Then, the 35-year-old man was invited in. He too was instructed by the agent to go shoot his wife. The man, sitting at the table, looked at the gun with a contemplative face for a moment, but ultimately lifted his head and said: "I'm sorry, I can't. I love her too much to be able to kill her for this job." And so, the man walked out of the room.

 

Finally, it was the 45-year-old man's turn. The agent put the gun on the table in front of the man and said: "Go shoot your wife." With an eagerness he hadn't felt in ages, the man immediately grabbed the gun and walked out to the hallway, closing the door behind him. A few minutes passed, during which a horrible racket could be heard from the hallway, and the 45-year old man returned with blood all over his clothes. Upon his return, the FBI agent asked the man: "What the hell took you so long? And why are you covered in blood?"

 

The 45-year-old man answered: "Yeah, sorry. Had to beat her to death with a chair because some asshole put a blank into the gun."

[Oldfeller]

An electrical engineering exam. The professor screws the student.
- All right, last question for 3: How many light bulbs are there in the classroom?
The student looks up, counts:
- Eight!
- Wrong, I have one with me, in my pocket. See you at the retake.
Retake. The professor knocks out the same student again.
- Last question for 3: How many light bulbs are there in the classroom?
- Nine!
- Wrong, I didn't get a light bulb today!
- But I did!

[Oldfeller]

A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed. 

He asked her where she was going. 

She replied: “I’m going to Las Vegas”.

He questioned her as to why.

“I just found out that I can make £500 a night doing what I give you for free”.

He pondered that then went into the house and packed his bags and returned to the porch.

“And just where do you think you’re going?”

“I’m going with you!” he replied.

“Why?” she asked.

“I want to see how you are going to live on £1,000 a year!”

[Oldfeller]

[Oldfeller]

Ford just discovered thousands of old car parts in one of their plants,, they decided rather than scrap them, they would build a whole new car,, It's called the Ford Pubic,,, apparently it's made of old corsairs.

[Oldfeller]

[Stubby]

14 minutes ago, Oldfeller said:

In the mud and the blood and the beer , bit of a piece of my ear ! Thats what I told him 😀

Edited January 29 by Stubby

[Oldfeller]

if a doctor eats an apple has he created a paradox?

[Oldfeller]

As a bagpiper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man who had no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery in the remote countryside and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

 

As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost and being a typical man, did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew who were eating lunch but the hearse was nowhere in sight.

 

I apologized to the workers for my tardiness and stepped to the side of the open grave where I saw the vault lid already in place.

 

I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I played out my heart and soul.

 

As I played the workers began to weep. I played and I played like I'd never played before, from Going Home and The Lord is My Shepherd to Flowers of the Forest . I closed the lengthy session with Amazing Grace and walked to my car.

 

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, Sweet Jeezuz, Mary 'n Joseph, I have never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years

[Oldfeller]

A big city-slicker lawyer went duck hunting. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

 

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The lawyer said, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to get it."

 

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

 

The angry lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the country and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

 

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in these parts. We settle small disagreements with the 'Three Kick Rule.'"

 

The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

 

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

 

The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

 

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gush'n' from his mouth.

 

The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and dragged himself to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."

 

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."