Jokes???

[Bolt]

A bra and two jump leads walk into a bar.
The jump leads go sit down while the bra asks at the bar for 3 beers.

"I'm not serving you! Replies the landlord “You're clearly off your tits, and your two pals over there look like they're about to start something”.

[Bolt]

Two doctor friends are sitting and having a chat on a bench.

Across from them, they see a man hobbling and barely able to walk.

 

“Poor guy” the first doctor says “looks like he suffers debilitating back pain. You can tell by his posture and the way he’s shifting his weight - probably a forestry worker” 

 

The second doctor disagrees. “I think it’s a hip injury, look at the way he’s favouring his right side - I saw a similar patient last week who had wrecked his joints after years of tree climbing”.

 

So the two doctors go back and forth on their analysis and out of competition they want to see who’s right. They cross the street and approach the man and ask who’s correct in their analysis of his injury.

 

The man says “Well docs, I appreciate your analysis, but in reality all three of us have misread my situation today.

You wrongly thought it was my back….. and you wrongly thought it was my hip…..

and I wrongly thought it was only a fart.”
 

[WirralBoy]

[Bolt]

 

A well dressed young lady walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.

She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. 

 

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. 

 

The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at her for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there. 

 

Two weeks later, the businesswoman returns and repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. 

 

The loan officer says, “Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely; but we are a little puzzled. We checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. 

 

What puzzles us is - why would you bother to borrow $5,000?” She replies:

 

”Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”

[WirralBoy]

[Bolt]

Donald Trump is visiting a school

In one class, he teaches the young students about a new word: 'tragedy'. Then, he asks them to use it in a sentence. 

 

One brave girl raises her hand and offers, "If a school bus carrying 20 people drove off of a cliff and killed everyone in it, then that would be a tragedy." 

 

"No," Trump responds. "You're close, but that isn't a tragedy. That is what we would call a great loss."

 

A few seconds later, a boy raises his hand and says, "What about if my friend was at a farm, and a farmer drove over him with a tractor? That would be a tragedy."

 

"No," Trump repeats. "That is what we would call an accident, not a tragedy. Anyone else?"

 

The entire class is stumped for a while. Then, finally, another boy raises his hand and says, "I might know what a tragedy would be! If Donald Trump was flying in his private jet and got hit by a missile, that may be a tragedy." 

 

"That would definitely be a tragedy" Trump says, pleased. "Now, can you tell the class why, exactly, that would be a tragedy?"

 

"Well," The boy replies. "Maybe it wouldn't be a great loss, and probably it wouldn't be an accident either."

[Bolt]

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." 

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients." 

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. 

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree. 
 

Moral of the story: 

Bull shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

 

[Bolt]

An Airbus is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h at 30,000 feet, when suddenly a jet fighter appears.

The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus, boring flight you got there isn’t it?……Now have a look here!"

 

He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, and then swoops down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive. He loops back next to the Airbus and asks: "Well, how was that?

 

“Very impressive” the Airbus pilot answers: "but watch this!"

 

The jet pilot watches the Airbus, but nothing happens. He’s watching but it continues to fly straight, at the same speed and at the same altitude.

 

After 15 minutes, the Airbus pilot radios, "Well, how was that?

Confused, the jet pilot asks, "What did you do?"

The Airbus pilot laughs and says: "I got up, stretched my legs, walked to the back of the aircraft to use the shitter, then got a cup of coffee and a chocolate fudge pastry."
 

[Husqvarna King]

[Spindrift]