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Anti covid-19 throat spray.

Spike Milligan - Pakistani Daleks

Rane, wynd, snoe and frezing tempratyures ……. this is a really bad spell of wevver!!

Redneck Porn

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but... Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it." The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's £1,000 an inch." The man perks up at this. "So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision." The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?" "I have," says the man. "And what is the decision?" asks the doctor. "We're having granite worktops"

If I'm ever on life support, unplug me ..... then plug me back in & see if that works!

The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the M4 near Bridgend recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the ...bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with lorry's, while only 2% were killed by cars. The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Lorry"

1 When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison. 2 To me “drink responsibly” means don’t spill it. 3 When I say, “The other day,” I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago. 4 Interviewer: “So, tell me about yourself.” Me: “I’d rather not. I kinda want this job.” 5 Cop: “Please step out of the car.” Me: “I’m too drunk. You get in.” 6 I remember being able to get up without making sound effects. 7 I had my patience tested. I’m negative. 8 Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn’t fit any of your containers. 9 If you’re sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?” 10. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say “nothing,” it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing. 11. Age 70 might be the new 40, but 9:00 is new midnight. 12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever. 13. I run like the winded. 14. I hate when a couple argues in public and I missed the beginning, I don’t know whose side I’m on. 15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, “Why, what did you hear?” 16. I don’t remember much from last night, but the fact that I needed sunglasses to open the fridge this morning tells me it was awesome. 17. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminium can stuffed with celery? 18. I don’t mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited. 19. When I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “east.” 20. It’s the start of a brand-new day and I’m off like a herd of turtles. 21. Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That’ll freak you right out. 22. That moment when you walk into a spider web suddenly turns you into a karate master. 23. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race and changes you forever. We call those people cops. 24. The older I get, the earlier it gets late. 25. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.

A husband went to the Police station to report that his wife was missing. Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home. Sergeant: What is her height? Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall. Sergeant: Weight? Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat. Sergeant: Colour of eyes? Husband: Never noticed. Sergeant: Colour of hair? Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown. Sergeant: What was she wearing? Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly. Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in? Husband: She went in my truck. Sergeant: What kind of truck was it? Husband: 2014 Land Rover Defender with 2.2 turbo diesel engine. Terrafirma suspension . Dif breather mod. Engel fridge. Arb compressor with front and rear lockers. Melville and Moon seat covers. Wife put a small scratch on the drivers door. At this point the husband started choking up. Sergeant: Don’t worry Sir. We’ll find your Landy.

A friend asked me on New Year's Eve what we could expect next Year? ... I said, fuckedifanno pal ah don't have 2020 vision!