alternative nursery rhymes

[kevwrenn]

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall

The structure of the wall was incorrect

So he won a grand with Claims Direct.

 

It's Raining, It's Pouring.

Oh ****, it's Global Warming.

 

Jack and Jill went into town

To fetch some chips and sweeties.

He can't keep his heart rate down

And she's got diabetes.

 

Mary had a little skirt

with splits right up the sides

and everywhere that Mary went

the boys could see her thighs.

Mary had another skirt

'twas split right up the front

...But she didn't wear that one often.

 

Mary had a little lamb

her father shot it dead.

Now it goes to school with her

between two chunks of bread.

 

Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.

Said Simple Simon to the pie man

'What have u got there?'

Said the pie man unto Simon

Pies you dickhead.

 

Mary had a little lamb

it ran into a pylon.

10,000 volts went up its arse

and turned its wool to nylon.

 

Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie

kissed the girls and made them cry.

When the boys came out to play

he kissed them too cause he was gay.

 

Jack and Jill

went up the hill

to have a little fun.

Jill, the dill,

forgot her pill,

and now they have a son.

 

Jack and Jill

Went up the hill

And planned to do some kissing.

Jack made a pass

and grabbed her ass

Now two of his teeth are missing.

 

Mary had a little lamb

Its fleece was white and wispy.

Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease

And now it's black and crispy

[RPA]

Jack and Jill went up the hill

so Jack could lick Jill’s f$%^y

but Jack got a hell of a shock

and a mouth full of c^ck

cos Jill was a f£$%^!g tranney

 

How long to take this one off Steve?

(sorry - could'nt resist!)

[felixthelogchopper]

Ring a Ring of roses,

A pocketful of posies,

Atishoo,Atishoo,

Catch it, Bin it, Kill it

[Pine Marten]

Mary had a little lamb she also had a bear

I've often seen her lamb before but never saw her bear......

[felixthelogchopper]

Mary had a little lamb,

You've heard this all before,

But did you know she passed her plate,

And had a little more?

[felixthelogchopper]

Jack be nimble, Jack be quick,

Jack jumped over the candlestick.

Silly Jack should have jumped higher,

Goodness gracious, Great balls of fire!

[Pine Marten]

Over the glen came Billies men

His soldiers and his lancers

Half of them were fighting men

but the rest were bloomin' chancers

 

On yonder hill there stood a bucket

it's not there now some ****er tucket!

 

There once was a leader named Gandhi

who went in the bar for a shandy.

With his great loin-cloth he wiped off the froth and the barman said: "Blimey ...

[PeteB]

Mary had a little pig

she could not stop it grunting

she took it down the garden path

and kicked it's little $£%& in!