True stories

[manco]

HM The Queen, not HRH. just saying.

 

[Doug Tait]

I'd reckon he could get away with calling her mate if he's sitting on her throne!

[jimboy]

OK I'd better tell the true story now. Was working as a drivers mate at the time for a drinks wholesaler and had to deliver a wagon load of plonk to the Signet library on the Royal Mile, Edinburgh. The occasion was the Queen was in town for a ceremony in St Giles Cathedral and there was to be wee drinks with lunch afterwards. I'll leave out the hassle that Dave, the driver and I had while attempting to get close to offload with tourists, traffic wardens and the bizzies, but suffice to say we got there and delivered the wine. By the time we had finished, I was desperate for a download, and I happened to be passing a massive door which a cleaner opened to reveal a lovely wood panelled toilet with the biggest toilet throne I've ever seen. I gave the cleaner a minute to disappear and dived in and chopped off a couple of massive logs. I was admiring the surroundings - the toilet had a magnificent wooden toilet seat, wooden w.c. with a lead liner, with the toilet so big, I could swing my feet off the floor, dozens of bottles of perfume on every surface, and pictures on the wall, when I was startled by a banging on the external door. By the time I had finished, sprayed some perfume to cover the fug, and got out it was all clear, but Dave was hurrying along the corridor looking anxious and he says that he too needed the loo. I was about to direct him to the throne room behind me, when a bloke dressed as a penguin suddenly appeared and told Dave that it was the Queens toilet and under no circumstances was anyone to use it............ and dragged Dave down to the basement to use the staff toilets. Ever after that, Dave would tell everyone that I had taken a dump on the Queen's throne. Having said that the throne was so huge HM the Queen would probably have needed a beer crate just to climb up, and a plank across the seat to stop her falling in. 

[manco]

true story: 

once upon a time, 

the end.