Bob Slade

Little Larry and Gina are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Larry goes to Gina's father to ask him for her hand. Larry bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Gina are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage." Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Larry, you are only 10.. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think about it, Larry replies, "In Gina's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely." Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Gina." Again,Larry instantly replies, "Our allowance, Gina makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine." Mr. Smith is impressed Larry has put so much thought into this. "Well Larry, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?" Larry just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far." Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little **** is adorable..

An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor. The female doctor says "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate take a deep breath and say '99'. The old guy obeys and says"99". The doctor says, "Great", now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say "99". Again, the old guy says '99'. The doctor says, “Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say '99'. The old guy begins, One.... Two… Three…

Teacher Arrested At Pearson Airport A high school teacher was arrested today at Toronto's Pearson Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator. At a press conference, Premier Kathleen Wynne said she believes the man is a member of the notorious extremist Al-Gebra movement. She did not identify the man, who has been charged by the OPP with carrying weapons of maths instruction. 'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Premier said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns"; but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, "There are three sides to every triangle." When asked to comment on the arrest, Prime Minister Trudeau said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of maths instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes." Fellow Liberal colleagues told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by any Prime Minister

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?' The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?' She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it means that you called for me.' Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her. The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him. ' Did you call for me?' says the hairy man. 'No, what do you mean?' says the newcomer. 'You must be new, 'says the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it means that you called for me.' The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him. The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she says. The man yells, 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the £250 membership fee.' 'But, Sir,' she replies, 'you've only been here for a few hours. You havent had the chance to see all our facilities.' The man replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month but I fart 15 times a day.

The Italian said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest extra virgin olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream, non-stop, for five minutes." The Frenchman said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special aphrodisiac oil from Provence and then we made passionate love. I made her scream for fifteen minutes." The Englishman said: That's nothing! Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with a special butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter, and then made love and I made her scream for two long hours." The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two full hours? Wow! That's phenomenal, what did you do it to make her scream for two hours?" The Englishman replied: "I wiped my hands on the curtains."

Please read!!!!! Back on January 9th, a group of HELLS ANGELS, South Carolina bikers were riding east on 378 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped. George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?" She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!" While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked . . . "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . . . why don't you give ol' George here your best last kiss?" So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . . and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one. After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl." It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?" The blonde said, "No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again." The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?" Wait for it The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits ... I can splash it on my eyes if I need to!"

Out for the Evening We were dressed and ready to go out for a Dinner & Theatre evening. We turned on a 'night light', turned the answering machine on, covered our pet budgie and put the cat in the back garden. We phoned the local Taxi company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard scooted back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to get at the budgie. My wife walked on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat. The cat ran upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife didn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explained to the taxi driver that I would be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother." A few minutes later, I got into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away. "That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her arse with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat arse downstairs and threw her out into the back garden! ...............She'd better not in the vegetable garden again!" The silence in the Taxi was deafening.

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time, she attempted the step. Once again, much to her annoyance, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step. About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!" The Texan smiled and drawled, " Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we were friends."

Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle. He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it. The bike looks better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It's shiny and in mint condition. He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. 'Well, it's quite simple,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain, and he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline. That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family. 'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the FIRST person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.' 'No problem,' he says.. And in they go. Joe is shocked. Right in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks - - - dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. He leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. He reaches over and fondles her breasts. Nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and has her, right there in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mum is horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. He looks at her mum. She's got a great body too. Joe grabs mum, bends her over the table, and makes love to her every which way but loose right there on the dinner table and then sits down. His girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and mum is beaming from ear to ear. But still....total silence. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father shouts. I'll do the dishes!!!!!!

Check put Aldi doing one for £30

A man went into a supermarket and tried to buy half a cauliflower. The young shop assistant told him that they sold only whole cauliflowers. The man persisted, and asked to see the manager so the boy went to find him. Walking into the stock room, the boy said to his manager, "Some weirdo out there wants to buy half a cauliflower." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the customer standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people here who think on their feet. Where are you from, son?" "Cardiff, sir," the boy replied. "Why did you leave Cardiff ?" the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing there but prostitutes and rugby players." "Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Cardiff ." "You're kidding?" replied the boy. "What position did she play?"

Gentlemen sorry to put this post but I am looking for advice hope someone can help, I think my wife is having an affair, I found her texting last night in secret, and the other day she was on the phone as I walk in the room, she just hung up and said she wasn't, she says she needs to start working late and doesn't get in till 12ish, so last night I thought I'd catch her out, so around 12 I went in the garage, left the door open and hid behind my bike, a car pulls up and my wife gets out puts her nickers in her pocket and kisses the man driving, this is when I noticed and need some advice, theres an hairline crack on my inlet manifold on the bike, can I get it welded or will I have to get a new one .......... thank in advance

Taken saws over to France loads of times, make sure they are empty of fuel and the bars and chains are off. knives are a bit of a grey area, if you have one (and you should) with your climbing harness either bury it under all the other kit or lock it away in the boot. Last time i went they did ask me if i had any knives but i just said no but I've got chainsaws, axes, bill hooks, turning chisels, gouges, a froe and....... thats as far as i got before they asked me to open the bonnet to have my engine compartment searched.

The only way for a couple to enjoy an afternoon "quickie" with their 8year old son in the flat was to send him out on the balcony with a MARS Bar and tell him to report on the street activities... He began.: "There's a car being towed away', "The Wilson's are shagging', Startled, his mum and dad sat up. Dad asks," how do you know they're shagging?" "Coz little Jimmy Wilson is on the balcony with a Mars Bar !"