Giving your cat a pill

[18 stoner]

Had this mailed to me, think we`ve all been there!

 

1 Pick up the cat and gently cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cats mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

 

2 Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

 

3 Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw away soggy pill.

 

4 Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to the back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for as count of ten.

 

5 Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from garden.

 

6 Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore growls emitted from cat. Get spouse to hold cat’s head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.

 

7 Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make a note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

 

8 Wrap cat in a large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with cats head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cats mouth open with pencil and blow down straw.

 

9 Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans. Drink a beer to take away the taste. Apply bandage to spouses forearm and remove blood from carpet with soap and water.

 

10 Retrieve cat from neighbours shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door to neck, so as to leave the head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down (cats) throat with elastic band.

 

11 Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink remaining beer left unspilled. Fetch scotch pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check date of last tetanus shot. Toss back another scotch. Throw tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

 

12 Ring fire brigade to retrieve the cat from tree across the road. Aplologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

 

Slurring

 

13 Tie the little sweet kittys front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertical and pour two pints of water down cats throat to wash pill down.

 

More slurring

 

14 Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room.

Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove pill wedged under your right eyelid. Call in on furniture shop on way home to order new table.

 

15 Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see whether they have any hampsters.