Jokes???

[aspenarb]

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: "'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am". The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude".

"You must be a technician." said the balloonist. "I am" replied the man "how did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip with your talk."

The man below responded, "You must be in management". "I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the man "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fucking fault!

[eggsarascal]

Did I tell you about the time my neighbour complained to the police about items missing from her washing line?........... I nearly sh1t her knickers.

[djbobbins]

Some people have fears of things that others find pleasure in, some may fear spiders, some snakes and some heights. i once had a fear of Horse Chestnut Trees....but i soon conquered it.

[billpierce]

Just been to Tesco and swapped 50 raisins for 100 sultanas, can't believe the current exchange rate!

Sent from my SM-G390F using Arbtalk mobile app

[aspenarb]

A couple of lads working in the woods in Ireland  ,one would dig a hole, he would dig, dig, dig, the other would come behind him and fill the hole, fill, fill, fill. These two lads worked furiously. One digging a hole, the other filling it up again.
@eggsarascal watching from afar in his van with his feet on the dash  couldn't believe how hard these men were working, but couldn't understand what they were doing. Finally he had to ask them what they were doing.
      
      He said to the lad digging the hole  "I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!"
      
      The lad replied, "Oh yeah, must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is off sick today."

 

Bob

[Gary Prentice]

12 minutes ago, aspenarb said:

@eggsarascal watching from afar in his van with his feet on the dash

You're a bad man Bob

[eggsarascal]

I'll have you know I worked three days on the trot this week, Knackered.

[Gary Prentice]

[Mark J]

The creator of sexual innuendo died today.  His family are taking it hard.

[eggsarascal]

35 minutes ago, Gary Prentice said:

Thank you, I'm glad someone appreciates all the effort I put in.