Welcome to the Arbtalk.co.uk | Discussion Forum for Arborists.

If this is your first visit, be sure to check out the FAQ by clicking the link above. You may have to register before you can post: click the register link above to proceed. To start viewing messages, select the forum that you want to visit from the selection below.


The Lounge Off topic forum. Discuss anything from religion to politics. Please keep it clean.


Reply
 
LinkBack (1) Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 04-08-12   #761 (permalink)
Senior Member
 
Christopher Schroeter's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: North East
Posts: 384

Just bought a dog from the local blacksmith.
As soon as I got it home he made a bolt for the door.
Christopher Schroeter is offline  
Reply With Quote
Old 04-08-12   #762 (permalink)
Site Moderator, Raffle Sponsor 2008, 2009, 2010, 2011, 2012, 2013
 
Stephen Blair's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Largs, Scotland
Posts: 30,992

Brilliant!!!
__________________
Amateurs built the Arc and professionals built the Titanic!
Stephen Blair is offline  
Reply With Quote
Old 04-08-12   #763 (permalink)
Senior Member, User formerly known as stuckontheground
 
Tom Wilding's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Basildon!
Posts: 210

Saw a magic tractor today
Drove down the road and turned into a field!

Sent from my GT-S5830i using Tapatalk 2
__________________
Carpe Noctem!
Tom Wilding is offline  
Reply With Quote
Old 06-08-12   #764 (permalink)
Senior Member, Raffle sponsor 2009, 2010, 2011, 2012, 2013
 
RobRainford's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: St Helens
Posts: 4,876

I wish all these girls got as excited about me finishing in less than 10 seconds.
__________________
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.

Rainfords Contracting & Tree Care on't tintyweb | Rainfords Tree Care on't Faceblog!
RobRainford is offline  
Reply With Quote
Old 06-08-12   #765 (permalink)
Senior Member, Raffle Sponsor 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010, 2011, 2012, 2013
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Shepshed, Leicestershire (mainly)
Posts: 3,696
Re: Jokes???

4 people in the carriage of a train - an Englishman, a pretty young blonde girl, an ugly old woman and a Frenchman.
It all goes dark when the train goes through a tunnel. In the dark there's the sound of an almighty slap, and when the train emerges from the tunnel the Frenchman is rubbing his face, and there's a huge red mark on his cheek.
The old lady thinks: "I bet that Frenchman fondled the blonde in the dark and she slapped him."
The pretty young blonde thinks: "I bet the Frenchman tried to fondle me in the dark, got the old lady by mistake, and she hit him."
The Frenchman thinks: "I bet that Englishman fondled the blonde in the dark, but the blonde thought it was me and hit me."
The Englishman thinks: "I hope there's another tunnel coming up soon so I can slap that French **** again."
__________________
GreenMech
PeteB is offline  
Reply With Quote
Old 07-08-12   #766 (permalink)
Senior Member
 
geoff's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: essex
Posts: 4,792
Re: Jokes???

Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart
when they collide.. The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about
that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention
to where I was going." The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a
coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too... I can't find her and I'm
getting a little desperate."
The old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her...what does she
look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall, with red hair,
blue eyes, is buxom...wearing no bra, long legs, and is wearing short
shorts.
What does your wife look like?'
To which the old guy says, "Doesn't matter, --- let's look for yours."
geoff is offline  
Reply With Quote
Old 07-08-12   #767 (permalink)
Site Moderator, Raffle Sponsor 2008, 2009, 2010, 2011, 2012, 2013
 
Stephen Blair's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Largs, Scotland
Posts: 30,992
Re: Jokes???

Double funny there guys, brilliant!
__________________
Amateurs built the Arc and professionals built the Titanic!
Stephen Blair is offline  
Reply With Quote
Old 10-08-12   #768 (permalink)
Raffle Sponsor 2008, 2009
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Somerset
Posts: 2,430
Re: Jokes???

Just lost my job as a bingo caller. Apparently a meal for two with a hairy view is not the correct way to call 69
Tree Man Tom is offline  
Reply With Quote
Old 13-08-12   #769 (permalink)
Senior Member, Raffle Sponsor 2008, 2009, 2010, 2011, 2012
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Kidwelly, south wales
Posts: 487
Re: Jokes???

Can you believe it, they sent my income tax return form back to me,
In response to question 4 `do you have any dependants` i replied,

2.1 million illegal immigrants

1.1 million crackheads

4.4 million unemployed

901 thousand people in over 85 prisons

and 650 idiots in parliment

apparently, this was not an acceptable answer
__________________
the wheel always turns
Lyn Ed is offline  
Reply With Quote
Old 21-08-12   #770 (permalink)
Senior Member
 
geoff's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: essex
Posts: 4,792
Re: Jokes???

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me.. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'


'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with..'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away..'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted
__________________
geoff is offline  
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On


LinkBacks (?)
LinkBack to this Thread: http://arbtalk.co.uk/forum/lounge/1516-jokes.html
Posted By For Type Date
Free Game Downloads Every Eur & US PSP ISO Ever Released This thread Refback 02-10-10 03:56 PM


Find tree care advice

Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.3.0